this has been a really long day and i'm not sure why and i don't know if it's all in a bad way it's just dragged on. maybe cause my internet is godawful again and im getting back to being used to that. my download speed is like 1.4 mbs. like the sun wouldn't set. the sunday ever. shitty tea. motocross reruns, white boy in a red bull cowboy hat on the tv. went fishing and it's all fucked up. robin on chickenwire. grackles bobbing heads.
i don't even remember what i was thinking of. the birds are outside all chirping so i may've fucked up. played guilty gear with doc (after three months and me not checking my guestbook!) and it's so fun just. pressing buttons in strive and not thinking too hard. strive is so fun when you don't have an xrd warrior in your ear telling you it sucks. like ok i would say xrd is a better game technically and might be more fun in a lot of ways. but i love strive because i can just get on it and not feel like a fool and hopeless because i don't have 2k hours on the game yet. this is going to be the summer of goose getting back into stuff. we're bringing back the summer of '23 motherfuckers. neocities and guilty. sans shitty resturant job so far. so far.
i keep thinking about how i need to take action but what do i do? jack shit. or his french cousin jacques shit. but i mean sometime it feels like they're conspiring against me like how comes the time i go to the counter to sk about specialty stuff is whenn the lady's gone for an hour? no i'm not walking around this damn store for an hour i'm taking my ass home! sure it didn't get done but it's whatever.
it's whatever. i'm going to bed or something. take it easy out there.
i know it's been a long while and i feel pretty bad about it but that's life, shit happens. the last few months have been so much and then i got home from school maybe a few weeks ago and everything screeched to a halt and now it's like the opposite. it's hard to get the drive to do really anything at all but i'm getting things back. i'm trying to get back in this sort of routine. sure this site might never look pretty but i want it to stay fresh. and not have a bunch of bullshitting about febuary.
i'm looking through old pictures to try and remember the last few months. my phone is so busted and so out of storage and it's sucked because i've gone from taking pictures nearly every day to having to ration myself out. everything stressing me the fuck out. but at least it's something i can be proud of. i get to sick of writing stuff i'll never look at again. in march i don't really remember. running myself ragged. sixteen hour days often all up til the end of the year. i tried to really get my ass in gear cause i thought i would be splitting a room with a friend. but that whole situation fell through. so now 'm just at home without a fucking job. and i feel so lame but shit'll come. i suppose. two extremes back to back.
oh but i'm burying the lead. got socked in the fucking face at a show (shit happens) and i bled like i never bled before. left side of my face like carrie. some girl i saw a month after told me she could see my forehead but i wasn't sure if she was true or not. touring band gave me fifty billion stickers. i feel bad for the guys who had to clean the dripping blood out of the tile floor. wet towels against my eyebrow. in a hospital chair waiting for 4 hours for those suckers to stich me up and all i can do is sit there and hum SUFFERING..... DAY BY DAY...... man i'm a stupid motherfucker. it was funny cause one of the hospital's core values was competence. not even being good at what you do just being good enough. eight stiches on a deep and long gash maybe a half inch from my eye. for the rest of my life i'm going to have to tell my grandma that i was playign basketball or something. i think it looks pretty badass though. i know i'm going to think about that for the rest of my life. not in a good way or a bad way just in a shit happens way. it's been maybe two whole months now and it's healing alright but you can feel and see it. you know i always wonder how these people in fiction get these scars and now i have them. i spose everyone out there with scars in drawings is just moshing as hard as me.
and then it was funny because i immidiately (how do you spell that!!!!!) like woke up in the morning and busted it four hours south to hang out with cyrus. saw the total eclipse. had the earlier part of the week completely derailed by horrible food poisioning. which combined with the big open wound on my face made it feel like my head was going to fall off. throwing up four times opening up the passanger door of my own car. couldn't sit up straight for more than three minutes. but i was fine for the eclipse. in the same field i drove past all those times in october. wow. i'm not good with words for that sort of thing. but wow. wow. who would've thought i could've seen something that pretty. it's been a while and i still get bumps thinking about it. the whole time i had black eye and a big old dark scar and the only person to say anything was this annoying fuck and i just blew him off. i just said shit happens. cause it does and it did. you know i wasn't even mad about the whole ordeal. but the day of the eclipse sitting by a pond a couple hours after watching the ducks in the pond through binoculars like the day wouldn't end. wow. i love being down south. i might head down there this summer again.
besides that whole thing i guess to finish the year off it was a lot of suffocation by work and in between goose busting it across state lines for hours to see hardcore. god i love hardcore. sure i inflicted hell on myself, driving out to a show in the next state three hours out knowing damn well i had work at 4am. but it was so worth it. it's funny going to different scenes because you find out that in other towns people can't fucking dance for shit. well i know that can't be all true. so i just need to go to different other towns. LOL. but i guess i'm not invincible. a little bit ago i tried driving back that night after a show back home and it was the worst drive i've ever had. pissing on the side of the interstate. blastng the air. my eyes feeling like they're going to fall out of my head. but that's life. and we made it.
and now it's june. drizzly. been playing too much pokemon rouge. damnn you broswer games. my room's still in the same state it was like three weeks ago and it stresses me out but it's like i feel like i can't do anything about it. whatever. i went all the way out to the city to crash at a friend's, watch the orioles, feel like a person. probably on maryland tv somewhere. and on a post the wrong way down a one-way i scrawled with a sharpie. goose. take it easy. nobody will ever see it and know me but that's ok. i did it for me and nobody else really. it's just nice knowing i'm out there somewhere.
i'll probably apply for white castle or something. burn my summer away in that kitchen. i don't even know anymore. i think i need to go and get frames for screenprint stuff today. i'll see. i dislike having to feel so recap-y instead of grounded in the present. but shit you guys deserve to know. maybe i'll have some original thoughts tonight. i'll see. take it easy out there, ok? don't get ate alive. i know i sure did.
today i woke up and it smelled like easter outside. i guess i miss being a little ass kid running around my aunts house. like i could walk around on the driveway in my sock feet eating a ham salad sandwich a week and a day after easter if it was ten years ago.
another day has passed and i have been fucked by circumstance. night before last i check my email and find out i have to go with a dept trip an hour and a half away. so i panic and get all my stuff together. and then we're in the van we're at the subway i'm eatin a sandwich we leave and the van doesn't start. stranded for an hour and a half in who the hell knows where. but it was beautiful. i just like walked around. it was like being on vacation. it was the best thing that could have ever happened that day. like there i was the van hood was open they were calling people on the phone but i didn't really care i was just walking around looking at the main street with five barbers and five bars and just being. yea. it's nice just to be. and then they sent people to pick us up and the trip went as you would expect but i really only cared about when we got stuck. it's just weird to think about how that town sure i could drive there if i realy wanted to but i know i'm never going to walk around in it like that again. and there's something special about realizing that in the moment. like all the people all the towns i grew up around visiting aunts and cousins. it was like something out of a haze. shoutout the broken van starter you saved my mind.
i feel like sometimes i can't just find room to breath. i dunno if i've had like more than an hour or two to myself where i'm not in class or taking care of buisness or on the clock. and i still cant get shit done. it's like i can't do anything meaning with all this fucking time i burn taking care of stuff but it's like nothing gets taken care of. it's just rough.
i see my therapist tomorrow and i really am not sure about it all. they give us like 6 appts a semester so you have to ration them out and it sucks so bad. like my last appt was supposed to be two weeks ago on friday but i just wanted to sleep. so i cancelled and resucheled to now. and then i got hit over the head with a bunch of i dunno queer dread and bad feelings about everything and then i was like god fucking damnnit. its like when you see somebody that's the one time you don't have anything to talk about. like damnnit man. and i mean she's a nice enough lady but i feel like i can't really get her to understand what's going on. i just talk about the future and she goes wow. that's bleak. and i dunno what to say. like it's hard to have hope. it;s hard to really picture stuff for myself turning out like super well. or well at all. i just want a range life where i can settle downnnnnnn. it's just sad. i'm not even good at guilty gear anymore. or passable. it's hard to keep the passion for something when i spend like the little bit of free time i have getting my ass whooped even after ive been trying and trying. i just want stuff to click. just in my head. for a lot of things. sometimes i think like i dunno if there's ever been anything i'm actually good at or actually won and and i know that's not a good line of thought but it still happens. because i guess i just go through life feeling like a little bitch just trying to make it through.
sorry. i need to go to the store today. and do laundry. but thursdays are always hell. i feel so fucking ditry all the time and it sucks and i don't know why. i wonder what people look at me and think. i wonder if they even look at me at all. i wonder if i'll have a chance to breathe before like i dunno eight or nine at night. and i mean scratch that cause my candy ass has to fucking work tonight. which figures. and it's really money for nothing and you know we need money to get by in this bitchworld but it's just the feeling of being exposed. the feeling of never getting to be fucking alone. maybe spending fifteen hundred more next year to get space to myself will be worth it even though i'm allergic to spending cash. it's hard to keep passion for any of this shit when i don't have any time to sit down and think.
goddamnit. im sitting in class. this media law class. and it smells or at least in my head it smells like being a little ass kid and my dad grilling. i dunno what but he's grilling. what i wouldn't give for a smoke sausage right now. i just want a fucking break. please. give me a fucking break. i might go see a show at the pizza place friday again i dont know anything to feel something.
i can't even imagine what lunch might be today and i hope it's something that isn't all that oily. i just want some real fucking food. man. sorry for rambling. but this is my space to ramble. so who fucking cares. i love you guys. take it easy out there ok? goose out.
hope yall are doing well. it's been feeling like springtime out here which is hard to wrap my mind around. i havent wore a jacket in like two weeks. a real jacket. i've just been hoodies. it's like fifty five or sixty out there.
i don't even know what i've been doing. i drove four hundred miles (i think?) this weekend mostly just for fun. just for kicks. why not. well i did it for hardcore. on saturday i drove to a state i've never been to and didn't call my ma till i was over the border and she seemed surprised but like. i'm glad i did it. so much of my life i spend sitting around thinking of grand things i should do and then not do any of them. i just like it when things are different. like i get so sick of being on campus and it's not like there's any reasonable place for me to drive because i'm in the boonies so when i drive somewhere it takes like two hours. which i honestly don't mind. even driving back on the same night i don't mind. i dunno about you guys but im a carpilled drivecel and i dont even care. like it would probably get old if i was commuting an hour away every day for a job but communiting for fun? to see hardcore? yea i'll take that any form it comes. the bitch of it was on friday i drove like an hour thirty away to a show at this pizza place and i got a) knocked real hard in the upper nose had blood dripping down my face and b) ate bad pizza. and surpirizingly b was much. much. worse. i had to stop in the one town on the drive between there and here to get tums. and it was still so bad. the nose? well i didn't break anything. all i've been having to do is wear a bandaid across the bridge of my nose like a goddamn tomboy anime girl. but i don't think anybody's really noticed. i know damn well if i didn't take my glasses off i would have been The Squinter driving home and that would have been. really bad.
when i went to another state it was like i dunno how to even describe the feeling of delight. it's like i finally did something for myself. i never end up doing jack, man. i need to just drive more. and there i was in a college town for a school i would never have the cash to go to just wandering around. feeling like i was living a life i don't for a few hours. sitting at a diner counter eating the best damn cuban sammich in the world. in a shop turned into a hardcore space with a slippery ass floor surrounded by college kids and not kids who are in college. standing around shooting the shit with the few people i can regonize not really knowing how to talk but just havin a solid time.
i know i say this everytime i'm around but god i love hardcore. i don't care if i experience it alone i'm just glad to soak it all up.
other things uh what else has been going on. fucking around in the free photoshop i get from my school making "baby's first edits". been trying to mod gta 4 again but it's such a fucking pain when i know there's a finite amound of good mods and im trying to like wrap my mind around what is the 'best' way to set traffic up. been feelin fucking isolated but that's nothing new. i had a thought come crashing down my head the other day when i was really fucking down that went like "why don't i just move to the city my friend lives in sublet for like three hundred a month like he said i could and just fuck around? watch baseball? go to the beach? ride the trains and busses? just fucking be? don't kill yourself with another shitty job, you've got enough cash saved, why not?" and even if i don't go through with it it's nice to have thoughts like that. to have some hope.
most of the time i don't really hope for much i mean i don't really know what any long term goals are. i guess to have a house. that'd be nice. i mean i don't really want a job but who does? in this world? i just want to be, man, yeah. i think i just don't want to work fucking bussing tables again.
sometimes lately i've been trying to sit and think about what i remember from this summer and it feels just all like a hot uncomfortable blur. like it's so fucking sweaty. like it's hard to really pick out much. suffocating on smoke. listening to dystopia in my grandpa's truck. feeling trapped. making less than minimum wage plus tipout which means i made like ten cents over minimum while these fucking severs were making much more than me doing nearly the same thing with more talking. but since i'm not pretty like that i gotta do the real fucking work. and i got a lot of respect in principle for the servers but when i'm responsible for sixty tables and you're responsible for three you gotta help me out here man. and in the four months i was there they never gave me a nametag. never. they gave the dipshit kid that was supposed to be my replacement till he walked out on his first shift and told me he wasn't ever coming back cause the work was so miserable a nametag thirty minutes into his shift. but i was just walking around nameless faceless in black clothes. which honestly is good. if people called me snotty from my nametag i wouldve lost my marbles at some point. but i was just hey kid. and i hate being caled bud or buddy so much but it could be worse. at my job now i got called 'bub' a couple months ago. i'm no fucking homestar runner man.
i always keep the neocities tabs open on a window so i get motivation to click in. and i guess it worked. my computer memeory is fucking tanked cause of it though. i gotta get this shit under control. i might try to eat i ate like seven little oranges yesterday and jack shit else. if i'm back today i'm back today. if not know i'm thinkin about you guys. take it easy out there. for real. goose headin out.
merry christmas eve all you guys out there. sorry for falling off the earth. been wracked with guilt but whatever. trying to remember html as i type.
not much of an excuse but i guess the best way to put it is that november i was both too deep in physical shit and too deep in my head to write anything. thanksgiving break was funny because yeah i get a break from the school responsibility onslaught but im too busy being "present" to have any time to myself. right now i'm back in my childhood home on christmas eve finally having the thought of hey i should type im off for a freakin month. yeah i feel guilty being in my room for god knows why. yea i need to type. i missed you guys a lot. a lot. it's the truth. it sucks not having an outlet, i think part of the reason i shyed away is because for a while i was in such a creative and paranoid funk. but right now all i'm really worrying about is petty stuff like the fog clearing out before i was able to go for a good walk around in it. i think part of the reason i feel so bad about being gone is that i guess i've undertook multiple things or things ive tried to keep going or just creative projects in general. and i always seem to start them right around august and lose all my steam around october, right when i get my first real cold of the year or go out of town or just have a break in the general rhythym of living. i want to buck against that so here's hoping i'm uh. rejvinated enough. big fucking words for this type of undertaking. look at me. jesus.
i turned twenty over my dissaperence.. its pretty funny because i know in the grand scheme of things it doesnt mean shit but when i sit down to think it's kinda surreal that it's been twenty years. i dunno when im thinking about things abstractly twenty years doesnt even seem that long. 2003 doesn't seem old. my dad when he talks he says a movie is old and i ask him what year and he says something like '89 and i'm like that isn't old. i mean i guess it is. but my idea of time passing i think is rooted in like 2010. i didn't do much besides i dunno. give the worst presentation of my life. order pizza from the good place. watch the football game and shoot the shit. get really into watching ted for no reason. like i know ted isn't really a good movie. and it shouldn't be funny. but it was fucking funny. things are better just not thinking about them too deep you know. hell that's why i thought stroker ace was a good movie even though everything about it was godawful. i probably only thought it was good cause i was watching it instead of doing my actual shit.
movies movies movies. i watched uh what have i watched. i saw hot fuzz with cyrus and it was real funny. especially cause i mean i don't think we really understood what we were getting into. beyond hey look it's the shaun of the dead guys. emmet otter's jug band christmas. good stuff. i know it's the gift of the magi stuff but i don't think cutting a hole in a washtub and selling the last thing your husband left behind are equvilencies. like come on. they better be able to buy that tool chest back or something. my friend said it looks just like the bleak midwest out here. but i think it looks like pennsylvania. or a little further south. but pennsylvania is pretty much the midwest i suppose. i mean i think of it as. in my head of heads.
i'll probably think of some more stuff as the day wears on. it's just been nice to be, you know. standing in the woods tossing crabapples (excuse me, "osage oranges") like i'm on the mound for the o's and missing the zone because i don't know anything about pitching mechanics. there was this great fog that sat itself over this area for the past i dunno thirty six hours i went out last night and the visibality was zero. zero. it was in my face. i couldn't see fifty yards behind me. really warm. doesn't look like chistmas eve out there, that's for damn sure. looks like i dunno. febuar twentyfifth. november two.
i know i always say it but i do intend to update the music blog. cause i want to. and maybe i can get google drive to cooperate and hobble together a real photo galary. man some of the code on this page looks like shit. honestly i should just ditch the sidebar. maybe. i dunno. i'll think. take it easy out there, ok. i promise ill be here sooner than a month and a half out.
by the end of this shift i'l have worked uh eleven hours. i worked one am twice today. and i didn't even realize it till it had passed. god i fucking hate daylight savings. or whatever this is called. i dunno. at least i'm gettin paid. felt like a fucking bum all weekend. sitting in my room alone playing nascar thunder 2004. my roomate out deer hunting or something. i dont think the season opened yet. maybe he's doing something else. all i know is i came back on friday and his bedsheets and xbox were gone. i keep feeling the notion that i'm just a lazy piece of shit. but i just feel weird about doing stuff alone. like i just want to be out in the world with people. i dunno. i dunno a lot of things. i want to create some more actual stuff. and i finally got photoshop/adobe through my college. but i still really haven't done stuff besides get frustrated with how basic some tutorials were. click the selection tool to select an item. god i hate adobe. what i really like doing is college like real collage with magazines. but that's hard to just do in your own domain. i know creating takes work. and effort. cause if it didnt it wouldn't mean anything. but there's a certain level of emberrasment that comes with creating. and i'm a physical person i like doing physical things. its not my damn fault i can't do anything physical in this little hamster wheel universe. i'm just living.
i need a haircut. i'm getting one once i get home in two weeks. but that doesn't change it. i need to start going hat mode again all the time but i also feel like an idiot if i never take a hat off. they had real good cinnamon roll apple things today i felt like i was floating. i wanted to go to the diner but my friend said she didn't have any money. i get it. the dining hall food makes me worry about my health i worry sometimes that i'm not eating the right stuff even though i'm trying to uh eat in good faith or something.
god it sstruck me that i haven't been outside since friday. i might put up the be back in five minutes sign just to step out in the cold air and let it prick my skin. short sleeves. i wonder what people think when they look at me. i kept saying i'd go to the store and get gas but i never did. i need to get a snow scraper before the hard winter comes. i might drive to a place i've never been to, well i've been that way i just never stopped. on friday. and i know it would be a snooze but i'm still worried. i don't know what for. hope i have people to go with. hell even if people bail on me i'll probably still make stuff happen on my own. i've gotta hold it down for myself. i hope i don't get gassed after the show though. or have any fuckshit happen. but i'm just not gonna think about that.
i think i'll try to mess around in illustrator. i dunno. whatever. take it easy man.
one of those weeks that you can't pick any details out of. just soup. just all soup. like i know i worked when i had to. i know i had my charlie brown shirt. i know i watched the rangers win the world series so hard they made me forget i had work and i got the call right as sborz slammed his glove against the mound and ran to heim. i know its the time of day where the building i can see sticking up across my window is a gold shining with the new day. the construction site is beeping and the crane is moving these big steel beams. hi vis shirts move below behind fencing i run my hand over to make the clangclangclangcalng sound when not many other people around. i'll wake up float around this day, the third of novemeber 'twentythree and not remember anything at all about living today in the next uh, three months? that's something i think a bout a lot. how everything feels so temporary, there's probably a monthlong stretch i can't even recall because i was just floating through it. on july the fifth i had a breakdown in my head working bussing tables about how a month from now i wouldnt be able to remember anything at all about the day. and the funny thing is since i had that breakdown and fixated on the date it's still clear in my head. but don't fucking ask me what happened on july the sixth cause i don't know. funny how that works.
i guess this is a way to maintain memory, really. it's a pretty funny way. the most public my memory may ever be. the leaves are near gone off most of the trees this time. colors seemed duller than i remember them in years past but my brain just may be making that up. i wish i didn't have to fixate on time so much. i don't want to be running behind every moment of my life. if my eight am professor gets on me again i'm gonna lose it. heating up a supermarket crossaint. eat it and skedaddle, wake my roomate up with the microwave. forget to comb my wet hair and catch a cold in this type of weather. take it easy out there ok?
cold has really came now. walking to class today weeds on the ground all frosted up. all frosted up. on uh what was it. saturday. the was the first day my hands got numb with the cold. yesterday in a hoodie jacket and charlie brown polo running my ass around goin son of a bitch son of a bitch son of a bitch carrying a case of water up and down and everywhere. it's ridiculous man. had to break out my heavy heavy work gloves and october wasnt even freakin done yet. i can't remember where i even put like the thin black gloves that everyone in the world has and you can actually move your fingers in. i mean the work gloves keep your hands actually warm real warm they're real heavy duty stuff lined with some thinsulate suff like suede gloves in that weird shade of tan but if i'm not like moving something heavy or like tossing a large branch into the river or something my hands cant do nothing in em. they turn into blunt objects. i would go to the farm store to get some but it's like i don't want to spend money on something i know i got somewhere. and every time winter comes all my winter stuff runs away from me. like i can't find my rental equipment stocking cap. i got it at a garage sale for a quater and it's like navy faded purple and it's great but it seems to have dissapeared from the earth. it's probably just in the sock drawer.
i need to get gas today man. i finally i think i got done with all the stuff that was bearing down on me at least for this week and now the wind's blowing so much i don't even want to be outside. such is the cycle of life or some shit like that though. i did dress up for the department thing yesterday though. with one light yellow goodwill polo and one chisel-tip sharpie and fourtyfive minutes of time and my left thumb turning black from ink i made myself a charlie brown shirt. and it looked damn good. sure i'm not bald but it was good enough. when i gotta be around people i try to be recognizable because i dodn't wanna feel like a jagoff having to explain my non obvious costume to people. it's like i'd rather get the ohhhhh you're charlie brown! from some people i don't know and that's good enough. some sweet old lady running the register gave me extra chicken wings because she liked it and that was real nice. course i fucked it up by putting too much lemon pepper on em. i've been eating too muc damn chicken lately. but i had like four of those little oranges yesterday so it's gotta cancel out right? something.
i wanted to go to that apartment complex but i still haven't. maybe i will. if i don't freeze my ass off. i got a ps2 emulator on the puter the other day and it's been fun. even if i've just been fucking around in nascar thunder 2004 instead of doing something good. like i dunno yeah i could sit down and play something good and narritive. or i could run around a short track in the tide car. fuck yeah. it's funny cause it's like i can only play like one thing at a time. like i haven't touched pokemon white two in a few days. but that's life.
i kinda want to get chinese takeout again today. get like the pepper beef. i got pho on uh sunday. thought it was a good occasion. the first real cold day of the year. the first pho weather day. i spent fourteen fucking dollars on a normal size bowl of pho cause i'm a fool and money's a bitch. i don't spend money a lot at least. well i went to walmart and the other store on that day too. might as well give a purchase inventory. i got uh. a forty case of water. a bag of those small oranges, no mold this time. a thing of pringles, plain. two bags of chips that were on a good sale that i can't remember the name of. six crossaints, which now may be a mistake. they didn't come in any less. a pair of earbuds. maybe something else i'm forgetting. i needed earbuds bad though. i didn't get those good dried tajin mangos though.
the peach pie i had the other day wasn't very good. tasted like chemicals. weird stuff. i had a history exam on monday and i feel like i might have blown it real bad but you know what it's all said and done who cares. i'm looking up at a florecent light right now like those exposed little tubes. and you can see something flowing up there. those tubes flipping on off on off real quick. like traffic streaming though or water running. it's pretty but i can't look at it too long or everything starts to fade out. wonder who figured out you can't look at the sun. you take it easy out there ok? i'll be around.
and yet another week of doing jack squat besides working and feelin like shit. my roomate left for the weekend and his fan's been blowing and it's so cold in here but i'm too pussy to pull the plug on it. i don't think that thing's been off.
alarm troubles this week. just a long run. didn't set it right on monday. rang for fiftyfive minutes on wednesday but it didn't get me up. friday it kinda got me up but i just worked a shift three hours before so i was three minutes late to my eight in the morning. shock and fucking awe. you know goose we all have stuff to work on.... you can work on being on time! like shut up man. come the fuck on. at least i made an effort to come. yeah this shit is juvinile but i always want to make an effort. i think this whole week has just felt like trouble. ever since i pulled my damn leg. it isn't constant anymore but if i try to kick or move quick i feel it again. and i'm really hope i'm not fucked forever. or i at least get un-fucked in time for a show in two weeks i need to two-step like my life depends on it at. god that's fucking pathetic. pulling something from maybe moshing like i'm not a relatively active nineteen year old kid. i dunno i've just felt way off base. it's like as soon as i got back from the fantasyland of a different landscape i swoop right back to the way things were. night shifts and phoning everything in. working every waking moment and still feeling like a lazy piece of shit. but that's just modern life. sure i'm scared as all getouttahere for a real full time post college job even though i prety much worked one this summer. but part of me wonders if it'll hurt as much. i think it's just the lonliness getting to me. i know yall dont want me to bitch about how shit sucks. but it sucks. and that's life. dammnit man. i think i just don't want to feel so damn alineated all the time.
and amid all that what do i do? i think about how bad i need to update the site and i don't. i don't. but here i do so i hope yall appreciate. still a special place in my heart. i dunno. lots of things on the head. i wore one of those saftey orange beanies around on the twentyfifth and i just felt like a traffic pylon. and a stupid one at that. i think yesterday was going to be the last short sleeve day of the year and people still asked me if i was cold. i stepped outside and forced mysef to eat outside but the wind still nipped at me. i wanted to go on a walk to where i think these abandoned aparetment buildings are but of course i'm stil in my little room and headlights are switching on and night's falling. i'm going to be so sick when daylight savings time starts or ends or whatever. the building i work in most of the time has no windows and its one of the most depressing feelings in my world when i spend a whole day there and walk outside and the sun went away without even saying they'd see me tomorrow. i dunno. i just want to live in the world and enjoy it without feeling like it's fighting me. exam monday on a book i barely read. i just don't feel like i'm even on earth. just phoning it in over and over again. i think this happens every late ocotber though.
speaking of late october i have to dress up for stuff in my department that i had to have a hand in planning. and i'm pissed at myself bcause i really should have just got the toast costume at a thrift store down south but i forgot it and by the time i remembered it i was all the way out of town. so i dunno. maybe i'll cut some holes in a sheet and be charlie brown halloween. i got a rock... or maybe find a yellow polo or something. the weekly cycle of me saying i need to go to the store and then not going to the store continues. will there ever be a stop to this? probably not. the damn thing is i did drive to the store on monday but my damn leg was bugging me so much i didn't even go in. limped around goodwill for ten minutes and then deduced i couldn't carry a fourty pack of water back through a bunch of stairs. i wish i could go bowling tonight but nobody's around to go bowling with. and i know that's a stupid thing to wish to do but it's in my head.
i got two pieces of peach pie from the dining hall between paragraph gaps. i hope you're doing well out there. take it esy, i'll be around.
sometimes for months on end it feels like nothing happens at all and then it all happens in a blur. but in a good way. drove eighthundred some miles this week. crazy. crazy. goose goes super duper out of town.
on the fifteenth drove two hours to my friend's house on a whim kicked around for an hour or something went to a house show had my fucking brain explode went back watched Airplane! fell sleep on couch cushions woke up at five fourtyfive in the am drove back for my nine a.m. class civic frosted over in apartment parking lot headlights breaking dusk. saw the whole day turn over again in my rearview. hoooooly shit. i was there for maybe twelve or thirteen hours. but it was so so good. and i'm glad i drove by myself. i need to learn to just do things for the sake of doing them. it was so so so worth it. seeing the band where in other places you get pushed around so bad trapped in currents in a place where i can actually side to side and mosh like a motherfucker. grabbing the mic and not get crushed. hard as fuck. lots of bands i wanted to see. brain explosion brin exlosion. also man i finally figured out how to two step and not feel like a fucking dork and it feels so nice. yeah i need to figure everything else out but that's alright. i'm just glad to be a part of the scene. i'm just glad to be living. i'm just glad to escape. i told my friend that this was all i need to keep me going for i dunno, the next month? two months? god i love hardcore.
and the drive out there, the drive, man. it was like somebody dropped an oil painting on this tiny pocket of the world. decided to make a two lane blacktop from nowhere important to someplace else the prettiest place in the goddamned world. there was a point where the sun beamed down into a pocket of these red turning trees lighting them up cresting down a hill and it felt like the sun put those beams of light there just for me to see and go wow. wow. wow.
when i left monday morning it was still dark. windows covered in mist. and i was just sitting there waiting for the car to warm up with condensation dropping down. watching night turn to day on the way back watching the world turn on its lights. i couldn't even look in my rearview mirror when the rising sun got so bright. i stopped at a hardees and i was the only guy under seventy in the whole place. in a faded orange shirt with a goat on it feeling like a fool at seven a.m. eating crossaint looking at people who had probably known themselves for their whole lives who i might never see again. life being temporary is kinda romantic in itself.
monday and tuesday i couldn't even tell you what happened. i don't remember. why would i? i should though just for the sake of things.
it's very funny telling people i only like know professionally that i'm going out of town or went out of town. not even saying where. it's like an air of mystery. people need more mystery. also makes anything i do sound really serious when all i'm doing is ditching class to see my friend cyrus alllllll the way out there.
drove five hours out there, five hours back. never been out there before. where he goes to school. the whole drive was seeing something new every second. cutting through towns i'd never think about. farm impliments in the fields whipping up dust. on a road numbered zero, unmarked, putting along kicking rocks. on the way out there, midday on a wednesday, i think commercial trucks outnumbered passanger cars three to one. it was truly empty. and i know what empty's like. but this was something else. like the whole world was open out there. squeezed down to one lane in a place i can't even remember the name of three times in three miles. spray-painted football pep signs stapled to posts. old signage that made me wish so so bad i could just take a picture with my eyes. places someody lived an entire life out in that i only got to see for a few minutes. there's something sweet about that. so many dead possums raccoons what have you on the roadside. more than i'd ever seen in one trip. two dead deer. does. on the way back guts spilled out into the left lane. on the way there a turkey was three yards from my car. wandering on the shoulder. but it was a sweet drive. and once you get off the interstate and travel on a state route for the last hour it's like a whole new world opening up in front of you. so damn pretty.
on the phone with cyrus trying to find the parking office having me drive right past him. sleeping on a matress on the floor, kemono friends on double monitors. caught a cold while i was down there but i tried to not let it bring me down too bad. but damnnit man. i work my fucking ass off and stress and stress. and when i get time off finally to take a little trip my sinuses have to fuck it up for me. i mean over the summer i had like five days off of work in a row and i was fucking SICK in bed for all five of them. but i watched the godfather so that's something. and this time it wasn't too bad. getting mad at guilty gear. both of us. playing super mario wonder all the way through. good good game. getting so fucking pissed at dokepon kingdom. walking around at night and looking at everything and going wow. this is what going to a real college feels like. a college that's an actual college. crazy. drove to the state park climbed up on a water tower, saw rock faces touched by hands thoughsands of years older than mine and it made me sentimental. like i can't even behold that. everybody who's hand ran along these rocks layered on top of mine. god. i love being a person. soybean fields shining gold. warehouses full of gravel along the road. shouting out funny roadside names in disbelief. swerving around a line of muscovy ducks all in a row. power lines so low they buffeted the air. drove to the nature reserve. he told me about the egrets scattering around as the cars drove over the lake but we only saw maybe one. maybe they al went to bed. hiking in a path kicking up dust like you havent seen. sandy sandy soil. trying to phathom how these great big trees got turned over. accidently watching a rotting half of tree topple twenty, thirty, forty feet down into the foresst bed and not even knowing how to fathom. yeah when it falls and nobody's around it makes a damn big sound. hills and rock faces and drop offs i couldnt even imagine. eating hommade corn beef hash with messy hair and roadside brisket. i'm just glad to be around. im just glad i got to be around. i don't know how i can put everything into words. not like anything out of the universe happened. but it's like i have to marvel at everything that everything that's every happened to me. and so many times this weekend i just went. woah. just the way the light shines. or the way wild grass grew. or the way eleven turtles laid on a log. everything was so so real.
but being sick is a bitch. being sick was a bitch. son of a bitch. and now it's 2 AM on the 24th because i was a loser who forgot to update the blog further till now. i was at work and leaned down today and i think i pulled something in my leg real real real bad. limping all the way in the grocery store. i didn't even get anything because i knew i couldn't carry a fourty-pack of water back up. i think i might get it checked out for real. because i can barely walk right. and i've been coughing a lot. trying not to take ibeprofen because i took it a lot when i was more sick. and i can't be talking it forever. but i dunno i should be fine. i didn't do too much today but what could you expect. i've spent the last week doing everything in the world. i can slack off for a day or two. take it easy out there. i'll be here soon.
i forgot this but it's so stupid i want to share. my damn fortune cookie said i should get new shoes. what kind of fucking fortune is that?
guess what. another week off the map. damnnit man. i don't know why it's felt so strange i think it's the isolation. i wish i didn't have to live through a computer but that's how things are. i promise i'll get stuff up and going. i still have the passion for here. it's just the time of the year where i feel squeezed in every direction. and I FINALLY got my GTA 4 downgraded for modding on the 6th. which explains part of my abscense. lol.
lots of work to take care of this week. squeezed. on the ninth they sent me some fifty, sixty feet up in the rafters of the gym with an industrial drill moving in and out curtain mechanisims. that drill shook me so bad. it feels like your wrist is gonna fall off. ducking under piping dragging that damn thing across the rafters. looking at everything all down there. when i was a kid i was really afraid of heights. really. for this swimming class they put me in we had to go off the diving board at the end and i was always scared as shit. but i think maybe around when i was 11 or 12 i realized i was more afraid i was falling than i was being up high. so it wasn't too freaked being up there. but it was still weird. having a thin indsutrial grate be the only thing between me and fifty feet of air. up in the support beams up there were twenty five year old fruit snack packets and cigarette butts. pretty funny. i like the idea of being immortal. in some way. like the kid who spraybainted BEANSOUP up there will be there forever. at least until they tear it down. i carved my name and 10/9/23 in the beam with my fingernail. i wonder how long people will think about me. back in high school i remember there was a name etched into the desk with '73 after it. at the park there's this big woden beam with initials all over it. there's something romantic about graffiti. if you see GOOSE on a traincar or bridge think about me even though it definitely wasn't me.
and you know i did something. after work that day i went to walmart and everybody out there was blearlyeyed or drunk and they probably thought i was too because i couldn't figure out how to swipe my damn giftcard in the machine. the older guy working asked if i had a long day and you know wat i fucking had. but the air was cool in the parking lot. sitting at a stop sign waiting for a train to go by just looking at the lights. windows down. life is fucking pretty, man. at walmart i got the dried tajin mango (always so so good. need to stop eating all in one sitting. whatever.) and these mango fruit cups (kinda eh) and a bag of tiny oranges (cheaper than the grocery store) and three things of "sizzin hot rich pork ramen" or something to that effect.
i had one last night. a bowl of ramen that rich pork ramen around 11 at night. there's this hot sauce pcket but it just tastes like hot so i always just throw it away. i love spicy stuff but it's like it doesn't even taste good with it in. you know yesterday was a good day. i went to the christian thrift store and there was a great old camo tee. probably early 90s. thick collar. two bucks. it's huge on me but i'm just rilling up the bottom for now. i'm such a fucking dumbass when it comes to buying shit that's too big but i guess i'll keep on doing it. cause i never learn. i never fucking learn, man. in a funny way though. i'm wearing it right now. realtree. feelin sharp. the store had a bunch of cameas but a bit too expensive and i couldn't even tell how good they were but you know i still want a cheap digital camera. something i don't have to worry about if it gets smashed in my pockets. goodwill was nothing. but the big attraction was i finally went out to eat. first time in a few weeks. i'm kinda stingy with my money but i needed to get myself out. chinese place in a old strip mall the type that still has a neon sign out front. sunfaded pictures on the menu so you know it's good. they've got these great lunch specials where you can get a shitton of rice/protein and two crab ragoon for eight bucks. i had a feeling i ordered the wrong thing. shrimp and mixed vegtable. i didn't know mixed vegtable meant zuchinni. but i'm a sucker so it's whatever. i should have got like pepper beef or something. cashew chicken. but i'll go back for sure. and you know sitting there alone looking out onto the parking lot let's make a deal on the TV woman in a cow costume spinning a wheel i felt alone but i was at peace. i was living. that'll forever an image of me in my head. at least till i forget it.
and the sky was so damn pretty. so damn pretty. i couldn't belive it. i took a picture of it. cyrus said the sky looked just like funnel cake. photo out the sunroof of the car. i just sat there and looked up while i was idling. i really really really need to get my photo gallery up. really really bad. my google drive isn't behaving. but i will get it up. i love just casual photography a lot i hope sincerly to be able to share it with you all soon. i have the framework behind the scenes but i'm wworking on it.
i know i always say i'm working on it but it's the truth. pissed because i've gotta work six to midnight after a busy day. but it's free money. last night i scared myself shitless because i slept from three to five-fifty. and rushed to work. all to figure out i fucked my dates up. whatever. the relief was nice but you know what? i didn't do jack shit anyways. but i did laundry. and that counts for something. folded and everything. aren't you fucking proud that i got off my ass for once, man. i hope lunch is alright. i just hope i keep making it through. i hope it all turns out ok. and i know it will. i'll be back soon, i promise. take it easy out there.
i think all the passion got sucked out of me some time over the past few weeks and i'm looking for it back. it's like i have no free time and when i do all i can bring myself to do is sleep. i've slept from one to five pm more days than i'd like to admit. i just want the drive to do stuff back. but my class got cancelled for tomorrow so that's nice. still have to get shit done majorly but that's ok. there was an art night and i messed around with watercolor. it's not very good but i tried some water lillies and fish. it was nice not to think about anything else besides that. i wish they had those art nights more often. i might try taking a screenprinting class next semester. that always seemed neat. not an art major but i want to take at least one art class while i can. i got screenprinting ink on my good shirt by accident. hope it comes off with oxi clean. it feels like i can't go without fucking something up for too long. hell right now i'm wearing my "good white shirt" which is now my "white shirt with a pink blotch on the sleeve".
i need to update update update. i know i keep talking about it. i think about this website too much to just fuck around and not do jack with it. i think i just got myself stuck in a rut. it feels like everything i do everything i consume nothing feels right. i'll snap out of it. probably when i get the stuff hanging over my head taken care of.
on the first of the month i went to the lake i hadn't been to before and i was there for a few hours just making my way around. didn't even see nearly any of it which is a nice thing. i saw six downy woodpeckers and three blue jays and two deer (doe, fawn). and everything was beautiful. monday, what did i do. class. went to my friend's house. watched over the garden wall. neat stuff. walked his dog around at night. i like just being in neighborhoods it's a nice feeling it's like everybody here is living their lives and i'm walking through living mine. on the third i got out of my room at eight in the morning and didn't make it back until midnight. work work work. had to call my supervisor six fucking times because everything was going wrong. i thought i could shake the funk off today but it still felt floaty. i don't know how long i've been phoning it in in my classes. in everywhere. it feels so non serious. listening to a lecture about writing guidelines and the guy diagonal from me is playing plants vs zombies. me and the guy next to me had a timer going to see how long this one guy would talk. and well i guess it's the fifth now. but i'm only twenty two minutes into it so i don't have much to say.
i should go on a long fucking drive when i catch a break. it's so empty out here i dunno where i would drive to but i should. i guess it being emptier is nicer than a suburban hellscape. those gaudy fake brick strip malls and houses that cost more than i'll ever make in places i'd never want to rot. man.
you know regardless i still have the drive to keep going. even if things feel like shit i do know i'm glad to be living. i just hope i can get a day off and use it to i dunno, sit outside forever and turn into a cocoon instead of lay in bed for twelve hours. take it easy out there.
what do you know they made it october. crazy stuff. really good day today honestly. even though i took another midday nap. at least I had a bit of an excuse. working went well made maybe fifty bucks but you know what really messed me up? i worked the same event same time of year last year and i was wearing my winter coat. thirty some degrees. and today it was a high of ninteyfive, sweating like a hog in my shorts. i woke up all sticky. last grasp of summer later than they could have imagined years ago. it's like all the seasons shifted back by a month.
ate some good honeydew today. and some really big grapes. a pair of discord calls kept me busy all day and i'm happy about that. been trying to call with my good friend for a little while and things finally worked out and we fucked around in roblox which i don't usually do but it was fun stuff. then me and cyrus called and messed with fightcade. jojo something something remember the future; it's good, he was excited about it, it wasn't horrible but i was getting my ass beat. he hates team fighters but i had some fun with KOF 2002. ralf is silly. i wanna play that more but everybody who plays that has been playing for fifteen years. on the same 07 dialup connection. street fighter three really hit the spot in terms of feel even if the commands itself were kinda weird. for me at least. for us. guilty gear xrd idiots. soundtrack is really awesome though. that great late ninties feel. drum and bass all over. love love love. crazy it came out in 99--looks like '09. and then i told him i remembered virtua fighter 2 from my childhood. the plug n play sega genesis from QVC my grandma got for us when we were over. 74 in one or something. and maybe it was just fightcade running badly or it aging poorly but it was so bad. so so so bad. goddamn hilarious. before we even knew what happened it timed out on us or we fell off the stage. funny shit.
i think tomorrow i'm going to head to the park. should be nice. wanna add some music stuff here. interface interface interface. ate three oranges (the little ones) tonight, should eat three more in the morning. don't want them to go bad. these are bigger than the ones i remmeber though, actual meat (orange) on them. good stuff. going to go to sleep before i regret it. take it easy out there. stay smooth.
forgot about this earlier but i got so pissed off yesterday. so so so. woke up at eight in the morning to do laundry cause i needed it bad. around nine i realized i put this pink tye dye shirt in with everything. yanked it out so my whites didn't turn pink. put it on the laundry table. sopping wet. come back once my clothes are dry and some jagoff steals it. i swear to fucking god. i'm gonna strangle somebody. it was one fucking sopping wet shirt left there for one hour. are you telling me these people are bitches enough i can't leave ONE shirt there for ONE hour because it's wet and i didn't want it to stain nothing??? it was one of my favorites too. my only hope is tracking down the fucker who stole it. and what am i gonna do. uhmmmm that's my shirt? i gotta be more intimidating. goddamnit. god fucking damn it i'm so pissed.
solid day. slept four hours. kicked it with this one guy. ate pull pork. gotta wake up at seven. damnnit damnnit damnnit.
goddamnit i fell off the earth. it's not like this week has been awful but i still was gone all week. since i didn't write anything i dont remember much about this week, how about that. saturday sucked. rotted. isolation. sunday i was in the sun i was at the lake and that felt so sweet. and i got my oranges and ice cream bars and the good type (strawberry crunch) was on sale. monday i had a history exam and i wrote way too much and my wrist felt like it was going to fall off. i went to a friend's house finally met a mutal friend (hi lisa!!) watched rocky horror and played guilty gear. tuesday i saw my reflection in the shower handle and it felt so strange. i can't rememer exactly what day made me feel like shit i think it was tuesday or wednesday but i was just so in my head. sometimes i feel like i've never been good at anything in my life and that isn't me being dramatic sometimes i really think it because i can't think of shit. yesterday, thursday, what did i do. i didn't stop. i fell asleep sitting down on a step between a break and that felt awful. i think the real issue is that i haven't felt like i've had time for myself to do anything. i mean sure at work i can do whatever on my computer. but if i don't have antonomy, even if i don't do anything with it, it isn't really free time i still have to be there. and most the time i just want to sleep anyways. i don't know when more have i desired to fall asleep at 10 pm ever. maybe when i was a kid and my bedtime was nine or something.
but you know i can't just be all negative. watching a lot of baseball at the desk has been nice. orioles clinched. over the fucking moon. i can't put it into words how this feels. i have seen the orioles like my life i don't have any expectations for sucess and just want the bare minimum and am content enough with just being there. being alive. watching somebody on the Wheel Of Second Basemen (rougned odor sticks out in my mind) drop a pop fly on a warm warm april day and i'm the only kid wearing orange and i'm so happy just to be there. it feels like it could go on forever. i couldn't imagine two years ago they would even make the playoffs. hell even this year it feels like a fantasy. i was content with watching a bunch of guys bumbling on the basepaths for a few more years even with all the pain i had because baseball was beautiful enough in itself. and to have n expectations is the best thing you can do. but i know i'm not taking this for granted. i hope just like things look up out of the blue for the o's i hope the same happens for me sometime soon. for now i can keep dropping pop flies in shallow left. nobody's watching the channel, anyways. and there's something romantic about being an out-of-market fan. the sort of fleeting contact you have wtih your team. they come once, twice a year for a stretch. people think you're a bandwagon. people wonder why. people ask if i have family. slogging through the midwest winter blowing steam out my nose in a bright orange hat. to tell you the truth it's cause i liked birds a lot as a kid. i had friends from out that way. i had some sort of fleeting interest in them as a kid who only knew them from cards. and over covid i wanted desperately something to get into. and al those things kinda drew me in. into the orioles. i didn't care how bad they were. they were my team now, man. when they lost 19 in a row i was still proud. because every win felt lke it meant something. and it still feels that way. every win means something. and i take that in everything. every little bit of good really does mean something to me cause you know there's a whole lot of miserable shit so you gotta keep going.
this week i kept having the urge to write but it was almost like i was scared to. and i don't know why. the words come right out of me. i shouldn't have fear. i'm just being me. i always have stuff to talk about. cause life is always changing. and i don't want to say oh i was busy becuse everyone's busy all the time. this week felt like the first real week of the semester where i had to care. but i still really didn't. it was mostly just. filler. mandatory filler. worked four out of the last five late nights. they're making me work at seven in the morning tomorrow for five hours too. for my second job. maybe i can breath on sunday if i don't get walloped by work.
i hope i can get the drive to fix the site better. i think that's part of the guilt of update slacking. i'm too much of a pussy to mess with css. i have 91 tabs in this window open all the time just for reference. like i'm working on a fucking research project. i'll fix it up though. google drive won't work best for letting me upload photos. my internet is awful. i think i had 700 ping the other night on xrd.
again you guys mean the world to me. take it easy out there. will be back more frequently.
no, i didn't lay in the dew. i'm not in a fucking movie. i went up to my room and i laid in bed and then i went to bed. my alarm woke me up but i went back to sleep and almost missed my only class. that's how it goes. i hate not taking showers but i guess you gotta do what you can to make it by. farming impliment hat to hide the grease. gaffer tape holding it together. i need to tear some off and fix it up again. i tried fixing my fucked up half cabs with gaff tape last year but it didn't work at all. water still got in em.
i think she was lying when she said it was going to rain. clear as can be. clouds, but in the sort of sunny day feeling. bold blue sky. when i was in bed early this morning trying to sleep the first time i wasn't sure if i was hallucinating the sound of contruction trucks backing up or not.
rice, chicken stir fry, zuchinni (man i can't spell that) for lunch. i have to work till, i dunno, fiveish. school stuff. probably'll play some more guilty gear. i dunno. i should go out to the park. but i don't want to get there just for the sun to fall down and everything get dark. just sit and think. on my dale junior garage sale blanket. i should get a fishing liscense but it feels too late in the year. i don't want to put a hook in the water two times and be out fifteen bucks plus bait money. i guess i've spent money on worse things.
take it easy. if i go to the park i'll get those ice cream bars i was talking about.
weird weird weird night. working. thought it would be for four hours. it's for six. person ahead of me bailed. working till five in the am. reached the delerium part of my shift. i don't think i've seen a person since two. been thinking a lot. like i've lived seven thousand odd days and all of them have brought me right here. in the midwest. assfuck early dawn of the morning. writing on a computer. living life. i wonder how many times in my life i've been up like this. the nineteenth went well but i went to bed at ten pm because i felt like it. i was just so burnt out to do anything. and today was good, really. weather was mellow. my foot feels strange in my shoe. only the right. watched blazing saddles in my friend's basement. had the worst dinner in a while. inedible green bean cassarole. my thoughts would be a lot better if i didn't shake em all out in a discord server fifteen minutes ago. and i'm not gonna heat them up and serve the leftovers to you guys.
i know i probably won't but i'd love to lay out in the grass after i get out of work. laying in the dew. i see the streetlight glowing off the window, condensced. a girl i saw around eleven said that it was supposed to rain straight through the next few days and i hope she was lying. even if she probably wasn't. drove past the wastewater treatment plant four times today. three with windows down. fourth light drizzle. i feel like i don't know my past self well but i'd be a liar if i said i really even knew the goose of today well. ometimes i look at the year, the date, and i can't belive it's been so long. not like i'm even old like that. it just hits me a lot. when cars that should be 12 years old are 25. i called my friend from arizona today and i forgot all about daylight savings time. i thought he invented a new timezone. just to mess with me. eli standard.
i know it seems like i update the most while at work. but it's a good pasttime. and i want to update more, for real. but here, nothing but me and the humming lights and a cabinet full of keys. my shoe still feels all wrong. everything in life has brought me right here. in this chair ccracked pleather and a shoe that doesn't feel right. i wouldn't take anything for anything different. i could drive to pennsylvania and my whole life would change. not because of anything i'd do there. just because i did it. weird to remember you've got agency. feels like i dropped all of mine somewhere.
and it isn't a race. i'm just living. we're all living. i've gotta make a button for this site. i don't know how to make buttons real well. but i'll make one. i should learn photoshop real good. my friend bee, she made these buttons. and they swirl. big ones. that say things like LOG and MUSIC. ate the last four tiny oranges today. because i didn't want just two and putting one in the fridge back again would've meant i would've forgot about it. i need to get some of those strawberry cruch ice cream bars. i haven't been to the store this week. if i get a break i might go out to the lake. i went there this weekened fell alseep on a blanket and swore i didn't. but i was so out of it. and i'm not sure why. for now though? now? i'm in it. i'm back in it. on the swing up. i think tonight might be one of those nights i think about twenty years from now. or i'll forget it in a month. or imagine it all scattered chopped up. place them as thoughts i had but not remember when or where. or remember the stupidest part of the day. like that time when there was a big pile of knives by the fork dispenser and i went to grab a fork and a knife came out so i put it right into the pile. or the cash register fucked up and they tried charging me twenty six thousand dollars for a quiche.
i think when i get off i'm going right to bed. maybe i'll piss. i should brush my teeth. i was on a big flossing kick a while ago but i can't find them now. it was weird. the primal urge to make your gums bleed. all over. like a mosquito bite you can't stop squeezing. i cut myself shaving and somebody told me blood dripping down my face like i couldn't tell. i watched a guy cut up chicken bone and all big cleaver and had some real awful thoughts in my head but i got over with it. the whole time writing this i haven't seen anybody. i need to make a whole better fleshed out about page. actual substance. and i have photos i'm working on. but google drive is a bitch. a biiitch, man.
when i say it i mean it; i love all you guys here. i try to mean most of what i say. besides the out there stuff. but i want to be frank with you guys. doesn't hurt me to be anything else. and to actually talk means the world. you all take it easy now. don't let life hit you upside the head with a frying pan. take it easy.
and that roach thing up and died. i think i might've rolled it over with my chair thirty some minutes ago. hard to say. i feel bad for it and i'm not sure why. something funny about that though. you know i could've been the only person ever to aknloedge it in its lifetime. ever see it scatter around. and now more people (two, three, maybe) will see it dead than alive. i wonder how long it'll take somebody to throw their corpse away. i dunno. too morbid for this late. take it easy.
you know it's been a month since i made this thing. going damn fast. can't belive it. hope i'm still able to keep it up for a while. even if Iget a bit less consistent this home still means a lot to me. something so i can document my life going by. you know this year on july 5th i talked to my good friend ari and i told her it's fucked up that a month, two months, three months, years from now i'm never going to remember that day or anything i did in it. and i guess i was wrong. but i sure don't remember july the 6th. this is all to say that a lot of this is me just trying to preserve these moments as well as they can. cause i mean shit even if i don't get up to much they're all i have. all i'll leave in the world are the things i do every day. and im glad i get to share them with you guys. there's always been something special to me about gettting to peer into other people's lives and i want to share that feeling with you all, i guess. if that makes sense. i'm nearly off work, my replacement is here, and you know i'm feeling pretty good. maybe i'll have an orange before i go to bed. hard to say. love you all. for real.
my whole mouth tastes like banana even though i haven't had one in a little while. i know it seems like i only update when i work and sure i'm at work now but it's a good time. feels like i haven't even been in my own damn body. i played guilty gear for the first time in a few days and the xbox controller in my hands just felt strange. like the shape of my right hand changed over three days. been playing fzero 99. that's been fun. won 3 races so far. having any sort of racer with 99 people is awesome and i loved fzero growing up so i'm on the moon. being in sixth grade science class closing my eyes and trying to imagine being on my shitty little phone snes emulator playing fzero. with the menu screen in my head and everything.
if i had my way i'd be asleep by now. folks came into town this weekend and even though i felt like i wasn't on earth it was nice. i think ever since i had that freakout about my body not feeling like mine (funny enough came on right as i typed it up a couple times ago) i've felt so strange and i'm just waiting for something to drag me back to earth. i don't like being alone like this, man. but we're gonna keep moving. for real. keep on stepping. went to the park saw a big spider the tadpoles in stagnant water by downed scrap telephone poles.
like only an hour into my shift and my eyelids are falling. got a big (ish) project i've oughta get done by tomorrow night. and important shit i have to take care of but all i want to do is lay up in my bed eyes closed three in the afternoon alarm clock beeping like a semi for twleve minutes thinking about the overpass back home on north ave when it snows. i think a guy a year younger than me over a winter break five some years ago rolled down that hill wrapped up in a traffic barricade while they were building it up.
like any good midwest motherfucker i withstand the cold pretty damn good but i'm not in love with freezing my ass off. but i can't hate hate it. there's something about gloves jacket stocking cap skin turning red blowing steam in the parking lot stiff and clammy and yeah it's bad but when i'm sweating my ass off i almost miss it.aand sledding. god do i love sledding. even though i haven't been sledding since the time i hit the only tree at the base of the hill and fucked up my leg. took a nasty bump and spin and i couldn't stop myself green plastic disc sshattered into two. loud thwack and i was just laying there. and i didn't dare move. all i could do is go cyrus. cyrus. that fucking smarts. vision blacked out getting helped up the hill. the only two people out there. sitting in the truck i couldn't move my damn leg calling my mom on his phone because mine shattered against the tree. some sort of irony about me possibly being fucked up for life if it hit anywhere else that wasn't my upper thigh on a memorial-planted tree. i still haven't been sledding since. not because i'm scared. i just haven't got a new sled.
there's a roach waddling on the carpet for the past 5 minutes. not sure what type. and i'm just watching it go back and forth. had a nice talk with a guy i sorta knew for a while. talking about classes and baseball and money. what else is there in the world, man. i'm being facecious here. but it woke me up nice and good. it feels like it's hard to find actual conversation face to face sometimes so i enjoy it when i can. take it easy out there. here's hoping i don't fall off the earth again.
i wish i grabbed a hoodie an hour ago. roomate's fan is whirring and i'm freezing. i shouldn't have worn jeans today. in that weird limbo where you don't know what you're supposed to do. outfits. i played guilty gear instead of doing anything, sure. but i did some google sheets i had to. i guess everything'll figure itself out. and i feel like something clicked with my baiken play today. got a perfect against an experienced friend. i can't instant air dash or parry super consistently but the fundamentals are there and it's real nice. overslept proper dinner but i had some chicken tortilla soup from a can and 2 mini sleeves of ritz. pretty damn good. i need to go get more soup. i always liked clam chowder as a kid. now, i don't really know what i like. chicken is solid but everybody has chicken all the time. and cheese broccoli is overdone. not that they're not good i'd just rather have them in person and not from a can. my grandma makes a real good cheese noodle soup for christmastime. drinking out of mugs. i dunno. to paraphase, soup is good food. i loved the soup aisle as a kid because at least in kroger they had these big contraptions where you would take a soup can out and then another one would take its place. like a toploader mechanisim. i can't explain it. maybe i'll find a picture. i know i didn't image it. but i oughta browse the asiles again. and maybe try some different ramen. i had a type that i really liked but i can't find anymore. i dunno. this is a problem for the goose who's gonna go to the store eventually and not the goose who needs to take a piss, brush teeth, take glasses off and GET INTO BED. take it easy out there. if you're reading this in the moment go to sleep too, man. unless you're out west. or night shift. then it's none of my buisness.
i feel like i got ran over by a train. that sequence of thoughts rght after i posted that last update wasn't great. spent the whole night morning hyperaware. everything felt wrong. so wrong. and the guy after me didn't show up for his shift for an hour. so i was there, up till three thirty in the morning, clammy, hateful, desperate, tired. i tried two stepping in my room today and i think i figured out something better though. but it's like i didn't even do anything crazy today and i still fell asleep in my jeans for four hours, missed dinner, missed the sunlight. and now it's 9 pm and today hasn't even been a day. shades of two years ago. hope this goes away.
i need to do shit, man. i've got posters to hang up. laundry. a project. but i'm probably just gonna sit my ass on call and watch some japanese zombie movie. but that's how it all shakes out.
i know a clearing will come soon. and it'll all be cool. love you guys. take it easy.
tried typing something earlier but my computer crashed and it didn't save. pissed but whatever. late shift again. getting that time of year where i'm paranoid about catching cold. tried talking today and my voice didn't feel like mine. on friday my throat tasted like blood in the afternoon. back feels sour. one of those days i wish i just laid in the grass for a few hours. sweat in my lined flannel. some guy just got off his job gave me a pumpkin frosty. it was pretty solid. but now my mouth has that lingering sweetness that i want to get rid of so bad. i don't hate sweet things but i hate that sweet feeling. man.
when i see pictures or videos of myself i feel so unnatrual. like a rag doll. i can't fucking two step right. it's not that i don't like the form i take. i just wish i felt more natrualistic. and not back in sixth grade chasing down a basketball rolling away feeling like the dumbest kid alive. its like the way i move all the time is inorganic. rigid. the idea of myself is fucked up. i think i just want to be good at something. just something. something that matters. everything feels wrong. and clammy. in some sort of stasis. god i'm thinking too much. i just walked into the back room to try and two step and it felt so so awkward. god. i'll shake it off. it's like i have all this confidence and then something happens and then i never get it back.
i think it's raining outside. saw a girl with a soaked hoodie. i could go outside and just be in the rain. get wet. that sounds nice. i'm just barley keeping it together for before i get off the shift. but i'll make it through. sleep 6 hours do it all over again. take it easy.
i told you i'd be less active. wifi we were mooching off of a few months ago is gone. had to use my phone hotspot all the way. and we were watching movies and regular show and fuckall on my puter, tethered to a tv for life (three days). it's almost funny-more happened in three days than the past 3 weeks and i wasn't around to say anything about it. i dunno. it'll just be a haze for all you guys out there. let's try it.
in the pit claws at my left shoulder buised shin balls of my feet still feel like fuzz even three days later. it was four months and everything was so so sweet it was exactly the same except everybody was stagediving now. and about twenty thirty button up shirts. but it was still the same. the band the made me fall in love with hardcore the first time came back. i told the guy who remembered me from december i'd grab the shit out of the mic. and the moment came. ten people jumping the wrong way. snagging the cable. fourtyfive seconds of bliss backside towards the pit gripping for life buckeled forwards dear life screaming. i fuck up one of the lines because i forgot what rhymed with belive. (it's achieve dummy.) i go to hand the mic back to the guy so he can send us out and the damn xlr cable was snapped. no sound the whole time. lights go on and i feel like a dumbass. but it was a moment i'd been waiting since december for. and it was so so sweet. pushed around like a tidal wave. wallet slid out of pocket, phone jumped out, right shoe got lost in a circle pit for four minutes and i had to yell SHOE once it quieted down. damn it felt nice to be back.
delerious after the show from sheer exaustion calling dominos just to get a fucking hotline. laying on the couch eating garlic knots watchng regular show. wake up and my back's knotted but it would have been anyways. rotting on the couch in my own grease watching natrual born killers. went to a thing we barely had the gas and the time for and found some cool ass shirts. a good striped one. an oil drilling shirt in a sweet sweet tie dye. a flock of geese (no shit. no shit. i paid a little more than i should've from this price gouging vintage dealer but you do what you can. i'm so fucking real.) a '94 nine inch nails embroiredered downward spiral tee that some doofus stuck on the ten dollar rack without thinking. i felt like i was in a haze. even though i don't know nine inch nails so well. it's so fucking cool. another person she comes while we're away and i fuck around on the drumming aparatus and we watch more movies and i realize that suburbia is a fucking awful movie. it's like if a made for tv movie said fuck. and had tits in it.
drove the prizm to get bacon because nobody else wanted to and i love whipping around that little thing of fury, plastered in hardcore stickers, thumped like all getout when i put it in reverse but it straightned out. i was at the stop light. girl in an identical car right next to me. same model, same year. plushies lining the back window, holographic sticks on the trunk. like we were two things from different universes meeting to wave once and go onwards. i looked at her she didn't look at me, greatful dead ripoff tee and sweaty camo cargos. we even turned different directions at the same point further up the road. i don't know what i wouldve done if she said hi but it's one of those things you think about. the brancing off of our lives.
got ansty laying around getting dark walked around this paved trail laid flat down on the bridge up at the stars. and you could see that big ugly elon musk satilite. like a submarine in the sky. fuck that shit. but it was freaky.
in the morning grease still on me breakfast bars from a duffle bag fear and loathing in las vegas watching 12 episodes of regular show till everybody woke up.
on the drive back home there was a racoon laying up dead center of the road across from "life church". something about that. something about the drive. i teared up crossing that bridge like i always do. like the praries opening up from underneath you. they could scatter my ashes there. it's the damn prettiest site in the world. we were bout 20 minutes out and everything was golden, about 50 nighthawks swarming around us, dodging the prizm, fluttering around, something i never seen. hell i didn't even know what a nighthawk was. like a dream, a flurry. the corn was starting to come out of the ground. beans turning. golden across the praries. listening to beck through the dust.
and today i was snapped out of the fantasy of watching movies and doing jack shit back to living. gloomy out. sprinkled a little. got soem bad juice from the store. white-cran-peach. bad idea. got some of those little oranges for the fridge. and a 40 case of water. worked desk 6 hours. now i'm going to bed.
take it easy. don't let time come around and bite your ass. pictures soon. for real.
last night i was walking back from my second job and i saw some pretty big ants in the moonlight. and i reversed the bird jinx. saw ten, fifteen sparrows lounging on stacked up construction site piping. flutting around all together like a wave. didn't watch interstellar for the better. because by the time i got home from work it was 11 in the night and i didn't want to be up till 2 in the morning fucking around with three hours of melodramatic space nonesense. so me and cyrus waffled around for a bit till we remembered shaun of the dead IS a movie that exists. and neither of us had saw it. so we watched it and then i was up till 2 playing guilty gear. damn good movie. like how it feels very period. one of my favorite zombie movies i've seen i think. i'm probably going to watch a lot of movies this weekend. goin to see my friends who i usually watch a bunch of movies with and do jack shit else all day this weekend. i oughta make a movies page. but if i'm no music journalist i'm sure as hell not a film critic. whatever. passion is everything even if i don't have the words to say shit.
today felt a little suffocting stayed in bed every moment i could get sending emails rushing around being late whatever. it'll be worth it for tomorrow. hardcore goose realness. i haven't been since what, april? it'll be worth it. i'm so excited man. just to see my friends again too. it's like a whole different world a hundred miles away where nobody knows you. driving the corolla to the dollar general in a scary logo shirt and greasy hair in febuary feeling like nobody will ever see me at all. in a good way. if the scene are the only people that know me all for the better. i wish i lived closer but at least i know everytime i go i won't take it for granted. may be less active but i might also have a lot of time to spit out thoughts.
if you haven't guessed it's another night at the desk but i'm feelin good. not too much longer to go. my feet feel wrong in my shoes. sweaty. sweaty. sweaty. wish i had something to chew on. hope i have enough stamina to go hard for all six bands tomorrow. i don't want to be holding back for breath when the heavy hitters come up. laying on the couch i'll melt into tomorrow night with a spine that feels sour in the sweetest way. sleeping on my flannel shirt. you know it'll be nice enough we can actually sit outside. how about that, man. that'll be nice. it's like a dream. even though its just some guys' normal life i'm peering into for a few days it means the world to me just to be, yeah. to be. that's something. just to exist as a person with no obligations to do jack shit. take it easy out there.
sitting outside right now. it's perfect. little breezy. feels like fall. real cloudy. and they said it was going to be 95 again this week. it feels like it's air conditioned outside. sitting on a park bench, hardly anyone around. was late to my next class because i was in the bathroom. but now i've got a breather. i'm looking at this squat tree next to me, maybe a maple, maybe 15 years old, and it's already lost half of its leaves. it's only september. the sixth. i dunno what that's about. last year we had an actual fall but the year before it's like they all fell at once in november. wonder when the first snow of the year is. we've had october snow plenty of times. maybe 4 years ago it snowed buckets the day before halloween and then didn't snow for a month and a half. when i was a younger kid on groundhog day i think it snowed about a foot. drifts about 4, 5 feet high in front of my house. one of the happiest days of my childhood.course going to high school we didn't have AC and one of those years we got out of school early 9 times because it was so hot it was a health hazard. 3 of them in october. and i rememeber taking the schoolbus to a neighborhood i didn't live in. with my friend. and me and her walked around the dusty postwar houses on her paper route, i was fourteen kicking rocks in the huidity with the dried up grass and dusty street, chunks of gravel from construction.
i wish i could feel the sun on my arms but the breeze is new and fresh. i think me and cyrus from back home are going to watch interstellar tonight. again with the space movies. no clue what to expect but that's ok. i mean we both haven't seen shit. so i guess it's nice to discover something for the first time without some guy in your ear telling you HOW ARE YOU JUST SEEING THIS NOW IT'S A CLASSIC. cause i grew up with made for tv movies and whatever was free on demand, family video rentals, watching cheap netflix movies with my mom and not caring about them. i do love movies i just need to really get in the mindset of seeing them.
haven't seen any birds around in a while. i used to see at least a small flock of purple finches. and the sparrows that linger. but i haven't seen jack. last year i was at the lake and i saw 3 pelicans in the springtime. pelicans don't get out this far really ever. that was neat stuff. i love birdwatching. think i might walk around some more and scrounge up some food. take it easy out there.
sitting in my broadcast writing class. working in the evening pretty busy today. had a good bagel for breakfast but they didn't toast it enough. my acne's getting shitty again and it's pissing me off.i dunno i've just felt like a greasy piece of shit lately but it's all in my hed. i hope i can hurry up and do my laundry today. yesterday at the goodwill i got a good flannel and a college sweatshirt and i hope i don't regret it for some reason or another. i guess i can always pawn em off to a buddy of mine. i need to stop being so damn wishywashy. but it's hard for me to decide just about anything.
this building i'm in i think it was built as a bomb shelter back in the fifties. no windows. three floors and no stinkin windows. i've been in there working on stuff all day go outside it's all dark and it feels like i didn't live a day at all. like where'd the sun go man. it's just hard for me to get over. isolating. but it leads me to just guess about the weather. i couldn't tell you if it was raining 6 inches in an hour right now unless lightning struck this room i was in.
went and got myself country fried steak out for lunch. with my friend ive known since i got out here. met her at the bus stop. caught a wasp in a cup. and we just started hanging out. they burnt my hash browns but it was still the best ever. havent had it since may and i was missing it and you know what it was worth the wait. nice to be outside. missed driving. first time it's rained since i've been out here but it didn't rian much at all. feeling itchy all over for no reason. you know sometimes things just feel wrong. like i'm sick of how my phone feels in my head. i'm sick of how much time i've gotta be stimulated doin shit on the internet. but that's modern life. tired of sending emails all over the place but that's just life. i outta go to bed before i'm stuck typing and it's three in the morning and i'm fucked. take it easy. i'll come to my senses soon enough and get the drive to overhaul stuff over here. glad for yall sticking around. :]
todayborday sure was labor day and i didn't do shit but that's ok. i mean for goose weekend standards and being alone all weekend i really did do more than some. learned some stuff with baiken in guilty gear xrd. was in a training room with another baiken for two some hours. instant air dashes are a pain. but everything at least feels a little better. last night on call with the same friend from back home we watched 2001 a space odyssey for the first time. wow. that was a movie. beautifully shot. loved loved loved the composition. and the long static shots. the way everything felt deliberate and sparse. hated the beginning. eighteen minutes about apes and the dawn of time before we get into space. come on. liked the barrage of colors and sounds and textures at the end. but the stuff with the baby was stupid. come on. we were baffled. but its been baffling people for what, fiftyfive years? a solid 8 just for the way it was shot. loved practical effects. love the way they paid attention to the mundane. the branding everywhere. man. still. what the hell was that.
working again and it's easy work but i have a bad feeling i'll fall asleep before my shift is over. like five nights at freddys in this bitch. no bullshit one time i was working at my old job running a projector in this isolated room. and that night there was all this thumping in the vents above me. loud loud thumping. but my boss said it was just a damn raccoon or something. and the next time i went in there it was gone. still fucked up.
didn't see anybody this weekend and lived on the internet but whatever. everybody was home. the one friend i thought i was gonna see was stuck busy but that's ok. going out to see a show and see my friends out there next weekend so even if i'm not alive know i'm doin well. been looking forward to it since may, man. just to sit in a apartment watching movies. but it's the life. at least when you're out here in the midwest all i can ever hope for is that i feel the joy i feel out there late at night watching some vietnam movie shooting the shit on the couch i'm gonna sleep on in other parts of my life too. it's the simple shit. the day before my birthday last year i was there for the first time in the morning my buddy made me an egg and bacon sandwich with the bit of food we had around and just being there a hundred miles away from anywhere i'd ever been on that couch daylight breaking in through blinds it was one of the happiest moments of my life. no bullshit. it felt like i was where i needed to be. it was real sweet.
it's not too much longer to go now. i'll be in bed soon. last night i dreamed something about filing cabinets. and the number thirtysix. about a week ago i had a dream i was outside a friend's house. but i was in baltimore. and it was snowy. and there was a walmart across the street. nothing else to speak of. man just like my life there's just mundane shit and that's it in those dreams. and that's ok with me. better than having stuff scare the shit out of me. about a month ago i got a real bad cold dreamed about being in a car crash and had to convince myself for multiple hours that it wasn't real. god my brain is stupid. but it's writing this right now. so maybe it's just self aware. take it easy out there. see you all soon.
you know for going to bed at 5 or something i slept pretty good. it's a strange feeling today but all sundays feel sort of strange to me. like a beam of light rushing in. feel like i should be vaccuming or something. had a good sloppy joe for lunch. put bacon on it. looking like a nice mellow day out there.
last night i was thinking about how when i was a kid they had the lobster tanks in k mart and i was by the glass and the meat counter with the take-a-number dispenser and i was just watching them wobble around in there. i wonder when they stopped putting lobster tanks in grocery stores. doesn't make a lot of sense to have them in the first place but i'm not gonna argue. they need to have more to marvel at in the grocery stores. when i went and got the apples this week i tried looking through the bakery section and they didn't have a single bagel. made in the store at least. the good bakery back home up and closed this past winter. real shame. never gonna be able to get one of those sticky buns again. years back when i was in high school i went by there and gave them a dollar and a quarter for a sticky bun every morning i could six, seven in the morning. god those were good. on the final day of high school me and my best friend back home and our other good buddy, i got us a sticky bun and a chocolate eclair and a glazed donut and we sat up in the upper level of the gym and just kicked it back for those sweet little fortyfive minutes. he had a tape recorder and i've been meaning to ask him if he rememebers where that tape went. talking like this was fucking 1991 and not 2021 but it's the truth.
i miss going fishing. 2020 was the summer of fishing. and 2021 was a good bit of fishing too. but i just haven't felt the spark. they tore up the pond where i always went and it's just depressing to even think about. i haven't even been over there to see it. all i know is what i've been told. developers ruin everything. when i was growing up on the other end of the neighborhood houses kept going and going up. and then the resession came and they stopped. when i was old enough i could ride by bike more than just up and down the street, cul de sac to the second to last lightpole, you used to go out by what i called the empty neighborhood because it was just that. empty. roads were paved but nothing was built besides posts with lot numbers and a small billboard saying UNIQUE LIVING. huge hills of dirt dug up twenty, thirty feet high we used to climb up even though i was a coward in flip flops. one time some kid i knew threw a clod of durt down hit me square in the head . and now there's none of that. all flat again. it's so flat those thirty foot high hills were probably the highest point for a mile. and i could see the denny's sign and the flooring plant poking up from the bean fields.
i wonder if i'll ever be somewhere that isn't flat. i know downstate it's real hilly. when i was on the interstate out by kentucky, those hills were no joke. never seen anything like it in my life. like everything was opening right up in front of me. god i love landscapes. even flat ones. there's a part of the drive to my buddy's house two hours out, or maybe it's coming back home, where the praries all open up right in front of you, slight downward slope, gentle curve, the whole world right there. it was the prettiest thing i ever saw. after a few months of being cramped in my room, cramped walking the same walk every day, to see those sights, see those fields was the prettiest damn thing in the universe. even though i hate circustances i do have a deep love for where i am. even if it's spiteful. it sucks but it sure can be nice. take it easy out there. i should add some pictures of what i mean.
worked and went to bed. woke up and went right back to work. busier but solid. rotted in my room the rest of the time which wasn't bad at all. my roomate went out of town i assume so it's been nice to have a little of that quiet. called with my friend from back home probably damn near 10 hours and still goin today. i mean hell i dont like just being inside like this but i suppose i'd rather do it this weekend where there isn't shit to do alone. still might try to go to the fair or something. just played tower unite and guilty gear +r and xrd (honestly i was having more fun in +r today. maybe because my friend is worse at +r. hard to say) and splatoon (god salmon run blows). watched the AEW show and the only good part was the acclaimed acting stupid in the beginning. in those stupid white ass pants. funny shit though. beat bomb rush cyberfunk the other day, getting some high score acheviments. had a really good chicken sandwich today. honey chicken biscut. man it's hard to get a good biscut. sorry you guys have to hear me sayin i'm not doing jack over and over again. but i don't mean it in a bad way. the lazy days are what you'll want back even moreso than the other stuff really. just being at a day and time and having the luxury to take that day easy as it comes. gotta write up a few short things but i'm not sweatin it. think i'm goin to watch a movie with my friend from back home tomorrow. on call. not sure which movie. we really haven't seen shit not even between us. got all this time to dick around on the internet but sit down for movie that isn't promare we fail. cause i don't wanna drive all the way down there yet. well that's a lie i want to but life isn't gonna make it work now. my spacebar feels like it's starting to act a little weird and i'm scared of that but i hope it aint true. and now he's asking me why it's four in the morning and i don't know. it's stupid bein up this late for nothin really but it's still nice. i'll think out more tomorrow. sorry for bein boring and thoughtless today. all i'm thinkin about tonight besides "jesus christ i've gotta fix some stuff" (MAJOR overhauls to the photo galleries coming soon work is going on behind the scenes) is how i should mod gta 4. this laptop can run gta 5 so i've been modding it mostly just to drive around in shitty normal traffic cars. nothin more better in goose fantasy land than driving a 83 dodge diplomat in the desert. but gta 4 is just so much better man. it'll be a pain in the ass to get modded, might have to downgrade, but i think it'll be worth it. i just like driving around. that just feels right to me. who knows if i'll actually do it. and who knows when i'm goin to bed man. take it easy out there.
finishing up a shift here. labor day weekend coming up and everybody and their mother is goin out of town. but i'm working so im sticking around i figure. if i wasn't and i didn't have half a mind i'd probably try to see abut driving the four and a half hours down to see a good friend of mine. but i can't think about shit that isn't happening. i just didn't to jack besides sleep for no reason and watch the orioles blow it against the diamondbacks at the desk. at least being alone over the weekend should give me decent enough time to fix some stuff up around here. there's a fair a few towns over i might try to poke around in. get a elephant ear or something. just an excuse to be outside. sure has been nice. it's gonna get blazing hot like a bitch in a few days but i can enjoy what they've got going for now. next weekend i'm headin out of town finally and that's good stuff. hardcore goose back in action. it's been what, since april since i've seen shit? i try to see one at least once a month. when its a whole production to even make it out there i try to be picky but they've had some damn good shows making me jealous that i'm two hours out. i guess it's better than any further away. not much to take away from today other than it's a day i lived. saw my advisor today and made a deiscsion that'll change the rest of my college and my life i guess but really it isn't that big. it's just the way it goes. take it easy.
and i said i would go to bed at 10. i'm so dumb man. got on call and didn't get off. it was nice though. me and my best friend back home playing guilty gear (i was getting so pissed because i suck with baiken) and splatoon. and just talking. made an important desicsion. could graduate a semester early but i think i'm just gonna ride it out. now i've just gotta hurry up tomorrow and make the change happen. man i can't make importnt fucking desicsions to save my life. like i'm deciding two or three life changing things in one go that'll influence fifty millon more things in my life. and everything's branching off on the last day of august twentytwentythree. because, what, i don't want to write 6 book essays? i guess that's a good of a reason as any. i know a guy who chose to come to this school because he liked our colors better than the other one he was looking at. i don't have a lot of direction but i guess i've got more than some. just making it through. slept through something important but still made it work. in novemeber i'm gonna be so jealous of all the free time i've got and im just squandering it now. i guess it isn't a waste if i'm doing good though. and i'm doing good. as far as i can tell, september looks the same as august through these first two hours. trees are already changing. kinda freaky. sat outside for a bit and spotted yellow orange popping out. summer can't be forever. but it's sneaky fall sure is. drank a pineapple fanta i got a twelve pack at the store yesterday ate one of the four apples both were pretty solid. god they made pop cost a bunch now. i think a case must be like 3 dollars more than it was last year. have some site ideas but gotta wait till the weekend when i've got time to roll em out. take it easy out there. get more sleep than me.
going to bed and sleeping for a good while. no hurry. presenting for my meeting went solid. first time speaking like that in a while. felt like i said email me if you have any questions about twenty times. i heard the moon was supposed to be blue tonight but i dont know how i was supposed to see it. maybe i;ll go out and try to find it but really i don't want to do anything but stay in this little room.
went to return the farm store pants i got last week because i guess in that point in time i was in some fantasy land where my inseam was two sizes bigger. god i cant tell how things fit to save my life sometimes. might go back soon to get some dickies on a good sale. nice and baggy without folding up all over. so i don't look like a piece of parchment paper. went to the grocery store but there were no nectarines. or plums. just "colorado peaches". hard as a bone. i didn't trust em. i guess last week was the one week out of the year where plums and nectarines were ripe. and i missed it. well i didn't miss it. i've talked about plums on here more than some people have seen plums in their lives. but i missed the nectarines. sure they place second fiddle to the peach. and third fiddle to the plum. but they're a solid fruit. a nice thing to have. if you sat on the street and asked people their favorite fruit you might rot there for ten days before somebody says nectarine. but even forgotten it's a darn good fruit. i've been in the mood for stone fruit lately. i used to love apricots above all else but i had some (damn doofus at the farmer market put moldy ones in at the bottom. cheap fucking bastard.) and i was like these are good but they're not the best ever. although i think some foods i hold on just for sentiment. i'm a sucker for stone fruits though. maye if i'm desperate enough i'll cave and try some colorado peaches if they haven't dissapeared from the shelves by the next week. i wonder if they really grow them out there or that's just what they're called. don't think of farmland when i think colorado but you never know. i love geography. it's neat thinking about the places that are out there for somebody that i'll never go to or think about in my life. but there's people spending every day of their life out there knowing everything there is to know about that place. and that's special to me. and somewhere out there if i'm not a gullible idiot there's a peach farmer in colorado. and that's nice. i know they grow them up in michigan.
all this fucking buildup just for me to say i got four apples from the supermarket. really. pink ladies i like the pink ladies. granny smith was my favorite growing up and i think it would've done me good to have some but i like the pink ladies. nice and firm and sweet. i can't stand them damn small mealy apples. like dry oranges. i love oranges but i'll probably wait till it's around time for oranges. last winter i think i averaged something like .8 oranges a day through 4 months. and that's impressive when i wasn't going to the store ever. the full size oranges. i like the small ones they tend to be dry less but i can't stand peeling three of them just to get what's equal to one normal orange.
when i was maybe 11 i got a bigger scooter for christmas like a razor doubled in size and i was riding around the nighborhood the day after christmas, unseasonable 50 degrees, no snow, yellow-green dead grass, and on the end of a street with no houses there were maybe 20 oranges in the middle of the street in broad daylight. and i just looked at them. threw one further down the street. and kept pushing away. wonder what happeed with that even now. they didn't look bad.
will give the apple report tomorrow. take it easy out there. don't get caught up in too much. peace.
maybe fifteen or twenty minutes after i wrote that i got fucking saved. the guy i thought wasn't going to come in for another hour and a half rushed in apologizing for beling late. man what are you doing here so early? you work at 2? what? and i checked the schedule and there it was. holy shit man. i've never been happier to go to bed at 2:38 in the morning when i've gotta wake up at 8. feeling alright. had another one of those good bagels. listening in class about the hindenburg disaster. i should go to the stores this evening and buy a few nectarines. or something chewy. i love those dried mango things but that's too expensive (three bucks) for me to rush through in one sitting everytime i go to the walmart.
if i had my way i would've been alseep two or three hours ago. but i'm behind the desk four hours today. about halfway there. just listening to midnight in a perfect world again. i feel like by three or three thirty i'm going to start imagining stuff. i heard a table flipping over at midnight and i wasnt going to do anything. a girl popped out of a moving cart and scared the shit out of me. she must've been in there 15 minutes. didn't you see me? nope. god this is rough but it's this week and then normalcy. gotta run a meeting tomorrow i don't feel too great about but it's life. i've been in classes a week and a half no real assignements yet and i already feel like i'm behind. come on man.
there's more people passing by tonight. nobody needing anything just passing through. at one half the lights flickered off and a hum stopped humming. had to remember that that just happens. i'm wearing goodwill fleece lined jeans and i'm still freezing in the chair. i should've got a hoodie. they're pumping the air through. just wanna make it through today and tomorrow awake enough. listening to polvo on quieted laptop speakers. goosebumps on my back.
and you can figure i didn't do anything today. played bomb rush cyberfunk. called my good buddy back home. played guilty gear. waited four hours to write one sort of long mass email. called my grandparents, they're doin as well as they can. had some pretty solid pasta for dinner. had the fly or gnat or whatever that had been bugging me the past week right in my hand but it didn't die. damnnit man. i don't excpect a day to be super full. when i say i didn't do shit today don't take it as a complaint. cause sure it would'v been nice to see somebody besides my roomate, we don't really even speak, just get on our own calls playing our own games and ask each other if we can turn off the light. if we know what's for dinner. but that's how it goes. and it's a hell lot better thaan hopelessly busy. maybe after i get out of the meeting tomorrow i'll walk around the neighborhood or go to the lake again. just something to get me to drive around. and hopefully not spend any cash. but to tell you the truth i have a feeling i'm going to feel so fuzzy like was week that i won't do anything but crawl back in my bed. and that's just how it goes.
on the technical side of things i'm working on getting a presentable gallery going for the photo archive and other stuff. sorry if it's been lacking severly. will try to have some other stuff linked up to that. sorry if it's pretty bare bones here.
here's hoping the next few hours pass by easy. and four hours of sleep feel like twenty. take it easy.
i saw one person last night. fifteen minutes before my shift ended some guy with a longboard waved hi to me and went out into the night-into-day. that's it. i woke up ten minutes before class today. even with two alarms and and four, five hours of sleep i still fucked up. even though they went off i still went right up to bed thinking i'd somehow be invincible to the old "laying in bed" temptation. i swear i'm not gonna fall back asleep man i swear. i swear. i do it every time but i swear. at least this class is really the only thing i've gotta get done today. i fucked up last nite and forgot to do something important until like 40 minutes in which i hope this doesn't bite me in the ass. i'm gonna be doin ok today though. might go for a nice walk. that sounds good. take it easy.
god do i feel hazy. hazy hazy hazy. four, five in the morning. working the desk. brought my xbox controller might try to play some more bomb rush cyberfunk. but i;m so groggy man. maybe i can watch the sun rise today. being up is a good enough excuse. wreckin my sleep schedule for twenty bucks. seriouslly don't think i'll see another living person during my shift. take it easy here's hoping i don't snore away in this rolly chair.
was in the friend basement watching movies after a little while trying to get together for a while. was a pretty nice feeling. did his basement up real nice in the span of a day. crazy stuff. he loves this old movie arsinic and old lace and he and my film friend were talking on end about every single nuance showing it to him for the first time talking about the faggot subtext and i was content enough just sitting there and listening. it was real nice. they stood outside smoking and i was just looking at the way the lincoln across the seat was parked across a lawn. streetlights flickering on. sprawled feet up on the maroon loveseat eating rice and chicken and broccoli cassarole. like i'm back home. gotta wake up for a early/late ass shift again so you'll hear from me at 5 in the AM. if you have any fucking reason to be up then. i suppose if you're out west it's only 2. that isn't terrible. busy as fuck today but i made it through. couldnt get this one person i spent about two or three hours right next to to talk to me at all. even say a word. like man i don't like you much either but you could at least not be an asshole. running a table in the heat. it wasn't as bad as last week but i couldn't scrounge up a water bottle till the end and was carrying this heavy ass collapsable tent. felt like a goddamned fool. talking to people is always fun though. saw my coworkers from my second (really first) job again today. that was nice. my boss' buddy got his hand fucked up in mower blades, had to get it reconstructed. it's a real shame. and it wasnt anything stupid either. my student boss got a gig an hour thirty east working nights in his home county jail. strip serching motherfuckers. fuck that, dawg, pig by association. and me what have i been doing before i came out here, bussing tables in a fake italian resturant. that's pretty good really. that's the midwest feeling right there. the most horrifying shit hapens right in front of you and all i can say it geez man. that's a real shame. and i mean it. like listening to my dad at the mechanic talking to his old friend tony about the time when tommy erikson or some other similarly named guy fell right into a barbed fence when they were drinking at 17 and bled bled bled thru his torso like a dammned stuck hog. hope we have the work cookout again. last year we went way out into the country to my boss' place. had chili and hotdogs and shit. and you could see the stars. not all of them not like i'm in montana or something but a lot more than back home. a girl i knew pulled out her phone star app and said that was the space station circling ahead. and i followed its blinking arc as it sunk lower. i wonder if right then somebody up there on the ISS was staring down at the earth. looking right at some mulletheaded loser sound guy shoveling apple crisp in his mouth in the big empty flatlands. it's a beautiful thing to think about. when i was in middle school i was a smart little shit. got bussed out with like 10 other kids from my dinky little k-8 school to some stem conference in a bigger suburb. and they had this skype call with the space station. and they had it projected up but the camera wsn't pointed at the crowrd of 6th, 7th graders it was only at the few lucky kids with good pre written questions. i don't know what type of feeling that gives me, it's something though. it's like if i would've been seen, known for a second, i would've been in space by association. i don't think about space in the way some kid wants to be an astronaut but i always just idly thing man, that's cool. that's cool stuff out there. the only other thing i remmeeber from that conference is that i accidnely got caught up in another group from a different school and it took me five minutes to realize. i'vve gotta hit the sack but i'll be on later. see y'all after my first shift of sleep. take it easy.
had the last plum today and it wasn't good anymore so i tossed it. dammnit man. that's what i get for being an idiot and waiting. three out of four aint bad. man, gotta enjoy the things while they're around, not just sitting around and waiting for the right time. like the plums. maybe i'll go to the store again. get some peaches this time. two of them. should've got myself a real breakfast but i couldn't get a bagel. i have some applesauce in the fridge but i thought the plum would be fine. and by the time i figured out it wssn't fine i had to go right out the door. rush rush rush today. hope i can fucking relax later, gotta work 4-6, might just hit the sack super fucking early and be up from 4AM onwards. whatever, man. this whole schedule is fucking with my head but this is the last week of these insane hours. honestly i'd love these hours if i never had to sleep ever. i just work on my site. don't see a single other person. just on an island for days (two hours). take it easy out there.
lazy day again. sent out some emails i had to get done. slept ten hours, took a three hour nap for no reason but good measure. ate potroast and a biscut with a plastic spoon because all my forks are gone. was gonna see my buddy today but he got swamped by essays. damn, man. first week already. pile of laundry i folded in a brainfog last night toppled over by the morning. pissed off because my one good heavy white tee shirt got stained with a bunch of pink shit. dots. and i don't know how. no ma i didn't mix whites and colors it was stained in my laundry basket. goddamnit. i just wanna keep my nice shirts nice. i obsess over shirts sometimes because i can't deal with the thin stretchy soft shirts. need thick collars, heavy fabric. i like picking up cheap new old stock or vintage when i can. trolling along ebay searching for the same shit. i wanna be able to pick up something that i can feel like a real person wearing it. the style revolution started maybe 3 or so years ago and i'm happy for it. sure it's nothing crazy but it's enough for me. i love my stupid vintage stuff. if i just need something basic i can't find online i usually just get something with heavy duty either in the name or implied from the farm store. same with pants. i fucking hate new age jeans. i'm picky to a point but only because i don't wanna get sick of my stuff in a year or have it break on me. not a flashy guy. just appreciate stuff that works like it should. hope i can keep wearing some of these basics for the next 20 years, dawg. no shit. i'll post good ebay or thrift or whatever finds when i can. think i need to return the farm store jeans because they might be too big. even if they feel nice. got some regional farm store branded (i assume) fleece lined jeans from the goodwill the day after i got the plums and i'm glad about that. the midwest doesn't fuck around with the cold, man. i roomed with a guy two years ago, eighteen years in africa before moving out here; when november came all the way till april he'd ask alexa what the tempetrue was outside and go Damn. That's Cold. and if it was my first winter here i'd be saying the same shit. god forbid if i moved any further south and had to deal with the heat any more than i already do. when my friend went to college in texas for a year he got down there on the news the weatherman said it's cooling off today, it's only a hundred and eight. this winter was pretty mild though. for the midwest. real bad snap for a week around christmas and then nothing. there was a freak snowstorm that me and my buddy mars went straight through the middle of in march--jesus fucking christ was that bad. melted all the next morning but i swear that was like 4 inches in 4 hours shaking the corolla on the two lane blacktop. windsheild caked over in complete slush and ice. two hours of me going easy, man, easy. double nickles on the dime. keep it at the limit. we're gonna get there. we're gonna get there. windshild wipers a fucking joke. a fucking joke. they don't wipe ice, that's for damn sure. rolling the window down and flailing my arm across the windshield trying to get anything to clear like i'm fucking dale earnhardt. following a toyota sequoia for the last hour. keeping two punk kids in a geo steady through the ice. made it into town, fifteen minutes out from the house--nearly get run off the road twice. dump truck spitting slush up driving blind. but we made it. even though it felt like we would slide into a ditch out by a town of 550. the snow blowing across the praries, the light hills, that sure was damn pretty though. if i have any pictures i'll link em later.
really the biggest thing to happen today is my good friend got me bomb rush cyberfunk. wanted to play it so bad but i didn't really want to spend forty bucks, i don't have that kinda money to spend on a game. but she said she wanted to give me twenty for it. and then just bought it for me. im over the fucking moon, man. i'm so fuckinhg greatful. i love jet set radio but i suck at it. heard the controls are a lot better here. really excited. if i dissapear forever after writing this you know what happened. fell into the brc pit. your forever image of me should me as some dipshit at his stupid rainbow blinky keyboard asus listening to the spazz/charles bronson split and playing bomb rush cyberfunk forever. at least forever until the next time i write somethin. but i'll be around. i love yall. love this place. take it easy guys.
didn't get a lot done but it's ok. just an easy hazy day. cooled off a good bit outside. thank god. it was downright nice out there. of course now my roomate's fan has to be blasting the cold even now so i've just been going from sweating shirtless in shorts to shivering in a hoodie. but you know what i'd much rather have this than the roomate that was never too hot. sticking to my bed. no covers no nothing. just sweat forcing myself to fall asleep waking up like i was dipped in the creek. just dicked around on guilty gear and splatoon again. no major revalations besides my ping being absoletely miserable. got so deep in a call that i didn't realize i missed out on dinner. drove out to a pizza sub and curry place on the outskirts that seemed pretty decent from online. felt like a dreamy haze being there but in a nice way. almost too big on the inside. coca cola clock faded out so much i just thought it was a light pink clock. small framed posters of the leaning tower of pisa, statue of liberty, seaside, all washing out blue. newspaper clippings and a table with nicknacks like used jumper cables, straps, a snow scraper for sale. it was just me and the owner. walking from out of the counter asking me if the cops pull me over more because i drive a red car. talkin bout how he made 58 miles per gallon in a corolla out in dayton one day and didn't know why until he tried to open his door and the wind about blew it off its hinges. just standing there saying how about that meant a lot to me. i mean shit i could've gone the whole day without really talking to anybody so it's nice to break it up. got a stromboli and you know what it was really solid. really solid. filled me up. could've had a bit more flavor, seasoning, but 'm not gonna bitch. i mean he made it near right in front of me. by himself. i've got respect for that. a solid eight and a half i'm gonna go there again and try to get curry or something. but i didn't feel like curry today. and the stromboli i think was the best for the type of day it was. day turning into night backlight of an open sign flashing sitting on a heavy duty folding chair in a dining room that is big and bare, peeling stromboli off of tinfoil, no drink because i'm a cheapstake. watching the cars roll by on the state route outside, truck pulling into the smoke shop a few doors down. it was a really special moment if only for how normal it was. a person could have come by taken a picture of me at that table giving up on using the fork and knife for stromboli taking it with both hands and that would be a snapshot of me in this moment that would stay in that image forever. it's nice to make the kind of memories that aren't incredible, aren't the type of stories you tell to a whole bunch of people, but those you just keep around in your head and when they come up in your memory it's a nice feeling. and hey i got some nice human connection and a solid dinner out of it. could've made out a hell of a lot worse, man. take it easy out there. i'm goin to sleep. thanks again for stopping by.
it's been a strange little while. back in the room freezing my ass off from my roomate's oscilating fn. rainy haze over the windows. long and short of it, went to friend's house with like 20 people over for his birthday. kicking back. hanging outside in the night humid haze so thick i couldn't see half of the walk over there, so thick it was hard to walk through. sitting on the front porch railing looking out at the rows of shitty rental houses under the streetlights telephone poles and it's fucking beautiful. it's fucking beautiful. next thing i know ten turned into one in the morning. dammnit. there was a party a few houses down. we siphoned two guys we'd never met before to just hang out with us all night, walked on by and didn't leave. it was pretty fun. but i'm standing outside just kicking dirt talking about how my buddy (i've seen him twice in my life) almost got killed when the lights start to come down the street. busting up that damn party. who even gives a shit. and even thought i got nothing to be scared about i'm on edge all the way home. blue flashers thick as the air walking the way home. god i'v gotta stop being paranoid. but obviously i made it home free. damn good thing too. friend told me i pretty much either had to get my ass inside or hurry home before they swept. and i didn't want to sleep out there, man. it's some sort of weird pseudo closness. yeah i love being with them but i feel like they don't know me at all. but i'm still glad to be around. if they bother to ask. but whatever. it was a nice night. there's something special about being outside when it's dark out, just standing in the front yard, talking shit, nobody wanting to be the first one to move to leave. i'm glad that i can be aware enough sometimes to know that a moment i have now is something that i'll be looking back on ten, fifteen years from now. and i try to really enjoy it. because even if i know damn well i can't get it back i can make the most out of it. sitting on the porch with a doctor thunder sleeves rolled up sweating through my shirt shouting to drunk college kids stumbling back to take it easy. forever and ever and ever. take it easy out there, man.
man i didn't do anything yesterday. and i didn't have any excuse. just sat on call with my friend back home playing guilty gear and splatoon for eight or so hours. ate some pretty solid chicken yesterdaythat's worth saying. busy day today, five classes, short break, got me working for six hours till ten and then i've gotta go and visit some friends. kick it back. hopefully i'm not too sucked out of my soul to enjoy it. or it's not awkward or nothing. i still feel out of place around them even though i've known em for two three years but that's how it goes. keep putting off doing actual important shit (administrative stuff that i HAVE to do) and semi important shit (making this place look pretty) to be some tool playing guilty gear spamming the same baiken combo. whatever, dawg.
you know i've been trying to do guilty gear xrd well for something like 3 or 4 months by now. and it feels like i keep going in circles with jam. yes i've looked at dustloop. yes i know what i need to do. yes i know training mode is good. but when it comes to execution i just keep getting so so short. and it's that sort of comfort i don't want to leave. yeah i'm not the best at using her tools but at least i know what they are. finally got so sick after losing 15 in a row to a may that i am trying to seriously pick up baiken. not in the oh she's cool way i always have but in the damn i am actually going to make some fucking progress way. it feels just as fun as it was the first night where i got really into xrd staying up till 5 in the morning just going again and again and again at this baiken losing near every time but having a fucking blast. even when i get fucking pissed at my inability to execute i still love gg a lot. it's nice to have a reason to feel the love without any caveats again. not just when i'm winning but all the time. figured out how to do the 5k->2d->236k (tatami)->j.s->j.d and yeah i know it's not shit when it comes to combos. but to string anything at all together feels fucking incredible. like hey i dont have to survive off max charged cross screen kicks. i can throw my stupid little mat at you. i'm going to make the guilty gear section soon, no i have no clue what it'll have, but it's just nice knowing i can make something like that for me. if you ever wanna play xrd or +r lemme know. i still suck but it's life. getting into guilty gear was a feeling i hadn't felt in a long time with videogames and i'm thankful for it. the drive to actually get better at a game is crazy. even if in practice it doens't turn out that much results the feeling is special.
i think that's what i feel with building this little space for myself right now. i'm not going for perfection or pretty. i just want something that is goose. and this feels like it. not some shitty fake me. every me off the screen seems fucking fake because i don't have the guts to talk about what i care about offline. even if it's just simple shit. i dunno man. the veil of anomininity is a nice one. you all get to know me in some way and that's really speacial. i try to make it as real to myself as i can.
in terms of building i think i've reached the point where it's gone beyond basic quality of life improvements i had to make at the start to more difficult things i can't find a straight answer to. lots of subsections i have ideas for but haven't put into action yet. there will be a lot of fun stuff soon though. i promise. even if you aren't into garbage music and writeups from a guy who doesn't know how to talk about music besides "it rips, man. it really rips". one i figure out how to make photos show up right it'll be over for you all.
as for the way i've been feeling. man. it's still hot. they haven't let up. cooler than the 22nd and 23rd. but still awful. if the 22nd felt like the type of sandy soil watermelon grows really big in today felt like the faded green rubber hose watering the plants drinking outside. when the heat gets so soupy like it has been it feels like all the colors start to wash out of everything. like how dry heat shrivels up the grass all brown. everything feels all washed out even if it doesn't look it. heat advisory should be gone this time tomorrow. hope they're right bout that. it sure is pretty just staring out my skinny little window though. everything's so green in ummer's last chance. hell, i may be lying, it's been this hot in october before. the dateline is gonna say 10/19/23 and i'm gonna be bitching about how my tee shirt has started to melt, fuse to my skin.
hope to work more on the site this weekend. fuck around with a good friend. maybe i'll see a movie. not in theaters, just a movie. it's like watching a movie is a de facto event in my life. its either i go for a month or two without seeing anything at all and then movie fever strikes and i've wtched eight in a weekend. selective focus is something else. one weekend i got so deep in procrastination that i managed to watch every episode of the simpsons season seven in two days. then never touched it again. i don't care about imdb or letterboxed or anything but i'll write up something here once i see it. it's the same with like lastfm. it feels more personal to curate reviews independently of anything. i don't know what other people think about jack, besides youtube comments from 12 years ago from georgec2781 that just says "good song." i try to be as candid as possible. if i'm not honest with myself i'm not anything at all.
going pretty slow so far, just packages, which is good. i'll check in later if i don't get too deep in it and my computer doesn't die. come on, baby. better battery life than my old hp had. i would call it shitty but it really wasn't shitty till the damn hinge broke and the laptop didn't laptop anymore. don't buy hp, man. not a huge brand person, got an asus because my buddy was selling it. but fuck hp. 74 precent battery should ride me through for a while. typing on a webpage is pretty undemanding. hope i can get some solid dinner while i'm on the clock. peace, man. take it easy. i'll check in when i can.
didn't do jack yesterday. too hot to think. heard somebody say it was a hundred and fifteen real feel. like it's the middle of july. i pretty much hibernated yesterday. slept from 1 to 3. from 8pm to 9am this morning. that's what i get for laying in bed and expecting not to sleep though. but it's a new day today and i'm awake for it.
god everything feels fuzzy. ac compressor running in this room like hissing static. three and a half, four odd hours of sleep. dammnit. dammnit. damnnit. feels like i'm running in stop motion. propping my body up. gonna collapse once i get back home.
finishing up a late shift. longer one this time. can't keep burning the candle on both ends but i didn't choose to work this late. i'll get to sleep like four hours or something before classes tomorrow. but i'm glad i'm working. easy easy money. seen three people in the past fourish hours. nothing to worry about besides the lights making weird sounds and the wooshing from the air ducts. just been writing html and sprucing things up around here. the way i formatted my css so the photo archive didn't look godawful means that i've gotta watch out to make sure that my gifs don't get really really tiny on me, bit of a pain but everybody has a first time. i'm getting happier and happier with the way things are shaping up. probably should add the sidebar and footer over here too. fix the spacing between text so it isn't so thick vertically. i'll figure it out.
real nice day today. got to see a couple people who i missed seein for a while. nice long afternoon of fucking around. indoors. god if yesterday was hot today was worse. heard somebody say a hundred and six. my friend a few hours downstate has probably turned into beef jerky by now. smelled like being a kid out in the country with that sandy soil. it's like looking at a picture of something so bright. and even though it isn't right in front of you your eyes water up. like how the roads look wet when it's endless and flat and hot out. that sort of thing. but in the air. like somebody threw a sepia filter up. hoping for cooler weather, man.
probably going to get off soon once the next shift comes in and then i'm going to sleep. here's hoping for some normalcy. i gotta sleep, man. i'm not caving to take naps in the middle of the day. not anymore. i've got too much drive now. today i told my good friend that over the past year and a half i've felt incredibly in love with being alive and it's the truth, man. i teared up just thinking about it. like i dunno, man, maybe i'm just sentimentl, but it's real nice. it's real nice to just think hey, this is a point in time that i'm around for. a billion things are going on in eight billion lves right now. somebody's having the best moment of their lives in the next 15 minutes. there's people who are going to have the best thing that has ever happened to them happen tomorrow and they don't even know it yet. millions of people will see millions of birds. somebody's gong to see the prettiest thing they ever saw. and i'll be typing on this chunk of code in my bare dorm all the same, and i'm glad for it. it's just nice to know the world is still turning on even when your little chunk seems still. i'm just greatful to be breathing. even when shit sucks so bad i can't think about it. even when it gets to the days where all i can bring myself to do is lay in the bed and fantasize. even when all i am is hate and i don't have any dignity left in me. i'm so in love with just normalcy, just the fact that i get to keep on doing stuff like this, talking to you guys, fucking around offline, seeing a little something new each day. i hope i can share some of that passion with you all. going to bed. take it easy.
you know that plum was pretty good. not quite red on the inside, not quite yellow. transitional stage going on right inside the plum. it's like hlf of it was ripeish and the other half was very ripe. went to bed as soon as i got off even though i know i couldve stayed up and been an early riser for a day. but i gotta play the long game. gotta work later. feeling alright as it stands now though. hope it cools off outside. may get a bagel. again, only one class today. charliehorse in my leg that i'm still trying to shake off. feeling good. take it easy.
feeling alright. you know i don't feel too awful just sitting at a desk fucking around on my personal computer for a few hours. no headache or nothing. but i'll probably feel it in the morning. girl who was here the four hours before me said she didn't see a single person. i think that'll probably hold true. been doing solid. i did bring the plum down here but i might save it for when i need some sort of stimulation to keep me awake. or it feels semi appropriate to have breakfast. plums aren't cheap; this one was like, i dunno, 80 cents or something. ok maybe i lied. i could find that on the ground in the aldi parking lot. hang out by the cart return for a few. but i like to savor my stuff. which fucks me right over when i wait too long and don't get to enjoy. just eat the plum, goose. you got three others for a reason you big dummy. take it easy.
oh man is formatting confusing. i know there hasn't been much in the way of content today but i've been focusing on under-the-hood stuff. to varying sucess. had to redo an hour of work that i thought was for nothing because none of the code looked like it was working. but it worked. my cache just wasn't cleared. at least i know now, man. it might look ugly for a bit but it'll be worth it. this is my first time really doing anything on the web like this and i'm really happy with the way it's going. even with the bumps, lol.
you know it was a pretty sweet day today. first day of the semester. 4 classes bam bam bam bam in a row.i WAS able to get that bagel before the first one though. cheddar herb or something. with cream cheese. i think they made the cream cheese packets smaller or something, but damn if it wsn't good. now if i could do nothing all morning but just stare out a window? eating that bagel? writing html or whatever? i'd be in a dream. but i'm getting a degree here. 9am was great. professor new to the university--old professor gone--something which will change the entire way i approach the last little run of college for the better. holy shit, man. it's a weight off the shoulders. i never have to see her again. 10am was solid. grinning the entire time like an idiot. as if major-related writing is something to be ear to ear about. good professor. 11am seems dicey. professor who looks perpeturally nervous. he almost looks like a charicature of professor, great plains voice with hair on end-nice guy though. 12pm i'm going to drop. i can already tell. oh man. just oh man.
a hundred and three degrees today. like walking through soup. my buddy a few hours downstate from me said he walked outside today and his PHONE SCREEN fogged up. can't fuck around with humidity, man.
i did a little running around. went to the farm store. stood at the deer busts in the huting section. got myself a pair of heavy duty jeans because either my waist got bigger my thighs got bigger i wanted my pants to fit a bit looser around the leg or all three. i didn't know a bucks' horns could grow so many points. something funny about one of the biggest wildtails in the state hanging for twenty years in a farm supply of all places. i went to the goodwill and found jack squat. starter jacket that didn't fit and didn't need. three pairs of jeans that all fit bad in new, exciting ways. skate shoes that were too cooked even for me. found a neat looking cd player i may go back for. if i gotta. waded through the humidity to pop in the grocery store. it's just fun to look at the frut sometimes. free bottle water in an ice chest. pretty sweet. condensation dripping on hands trying to get the damn flimsy plastic produce bag open. i got four plums. yeah that might seem like overkill. but they were so soft. and nothing sounds better than a juicy plum in the swampy hot. i was at the beach one time at 14 and i had a plum so ripe i had to eat it shirtless. and the way these plums were so, so ripe, i didn't want to come back next time for some mre and have them all be gone. it's probably plum time. might as well seize it. i'll get some nectarines next time. sure, i got other stuff. i got a bag of chips and some bread crisp things and some applesauce. but i don't really care about those things right now. all i'm thinking about are those plums.i hope they don't explode over a light colored shirt or some stupid shit.
they're having me work the night shift. 4-6 in the morning. oh man. i'll be back.
maybe i'll get that first plum on the way out of my door. wash it in the water fountain. have the juices drip on the carpet while i'm the only one around to watch them. maybe. take it easy out there, man.
typting by the light of the screen and the stupid built in laptop keyboard rbgs. my roomate's snoring a bit but it isn't bad. i've been here a week this year now and i haven't done jack shit besides be on the puter. went to the lake. wal-mart for tampico, case of water, dried mango with tajin. goodwill for jack shit. but you know i'm really lucky to build this space. it means a lot to me. i really hope i'm able to keep it up. means a lot just to have people here. looking into my life. it's nice to let people in and not feel full of fear. being back here, in this town, feels like one of those things that isn't really happening. feels like a haze. you're doing all this shit in the present but it doesn't feel like it's now. classes starting up in the morning. got all shuffled on me while i wasn't paying attention. running around like a chicken with the head cut off tomorrow. a hundred in three degrees soaking sweat through my orioles cap just trying to make my own way. hope i can start seein some people soon. shit, the only reason i look forward to coming back out is for the people. and things just haven't worked out and it's perfectly normal reasons and i get it. i just hope i get to see em soon. but you know what a year is a long time. and i've got time. man i hope this is a good year.last year i don't know how i made it through sometimes. kicking slush october novemeber december twelve hour days with no pay struggling to get just the minimum done and collapsing asleep soon as i made it back to my room, feet wet from holey vans, too tired to do anything besides stay alive. but i've made it through every day in my life before. and i'll keep going. i mean hell, it can't be as bad as last year, right man? right? i've got more going on now though. to get me through. and i'm greatful. and i've got a car now. hell yeah motherfuckers. on that note i'm gonna go to bed. waking up at seven thirty or eight in the morning and hell i don't know if i'll be able to get breakfast or anything. man. i hope i can snag a bagel or something. with cream cheese. that would be nice. they never toast it right. never. i don't get it? just leave it in the toaster. sometimes it doesn't even get crisp. just lukewarm. take it easy out there, man. see you guys tomorrow.